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But I'm Breast-Feeding That Conch Shell Over There
Old lady: This isn't a nude beach!
Young lady, sunbathing topless and feigning surprise: Oh, really? Oh, okay...
--Auckland, New Zealand
Overheard by: Shakira
No, My Family Comes to See Me
Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?
--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Forgot my iPod
Jesus, Bitsy!
Preppy 60-something #1: Now you only owe me 10,463 martinis.
Preppy 60-something #2: Yep, she owes me a bunch, too.
--Kennebunkport, Maine
Overheard by: Amused Locals
Absolute Motorpower Corrupts Absolutely
Angry old lady in motorchair: Where the hell have you been?! I've been all over this side of the lake, on the ferry, to the other side and back across here lookin' for you!
Bewildered old man in motorchair: I was over there lookin' for you.
Angry old lady: Whatever! Just come on! [Speeds off.]
Bewildered old man, scared: But wait for me!
--Epcot's International Village, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: bakerchica
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Old black lady finishes pooping and flushes: Oh, thank you, Jesus! [Hums gospel tune.]
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lauren
Awww, You're Sweet. No, I'm 30
Little girl: Grandma, you're old!
Grandma: How old do you think I am, sweetie?
Little girl: I dunno... like, 16, or something.
--Wilmington, North Carolina
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
I Really Miss That Bleeding Sensation
Old lady #1: You don't see so much sea glass anymore.
Old lady #2: Yeah, people don't litter like they used to.
Old lady #1: That's getting to be a real problem, isn't it?
--Montara Beach, California
Overheard by: comber
Now If You Could Just Do Something about the Height of Your Waistband
Old man: Honey, do you feel better now that I've started wearing shorter socks?
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Let's Start With 150 and See What Happens
Old guy on oxygen: So, how many more beers can I have??
--Sandbridge, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
Detached Redundancies Are For People Under the Age of 20
Tween #1: Ohmigod. It's soooo sandy.
Tween #2: Um, it's a beach.
Random old man: Damn teeny boppers.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: I hate shoobies.
Maybe It's Looking to Relocate
Wife: Murray! Cover up! Your business is hanging out of your bathing suit!
Husband, nonplussed: That business closed down years ago.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Larry
New Hampshire: The New Jersey of New England
Older woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Young woman: Nope.
Older woman: You lived next door to me when you lived with your aunt in Salem!
Young woman: Salem?
Older woman: Salem, New Hampshire.
Young woman: I don't have an aunt in Salem.
Older woman: Oh, come on, don't you remember?
Young woman: I never lived in New Hampshire. I have lived in Maine my whole life.
Older woman, sarcastically: Yeah...Okay.
--Wells Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Vee-licious
I Hear that's Why Hemingway Stayed for So Long
Elderly lady: Come now, y'all! Key West is gonna be loads of fun! They gots the Ripley's and Cuban people!
--Lido deck, The Carnival Glory, Key West
Overheard by: y'all need an icepack on dat thang?
'Ethereal!' Raves the Washington Post
Young woman: I think Grandma's looking down on us from heaven.
Old lady: I hear that's a nice place.
Young woman: I've been there -- it's awesome!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Robin M.
