Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Old folks All Categories > People > Old folks
Recent | Best Of
Didn't RoboCop Destroy the Place?
Old man: I think it's too late to swim, the oil is washing up on the beach.
Old woman: Yeah, it's too late for a lot of things now.
Old man: We should move back to Detroit. It's less polluted.
Old woman: I don't want to die in Detroit. Remember, we had this conversation already.
--Pier, St Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
Talk About False Advertising
Bikini girl to older man: Yeah, he dumped her because she didn't put out. I mean, you're a high school guy, are you really going to stay with a girl who doesn't put out? Also, she kinda had a mustache.
--Morgan Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Kim
Ad: Got Grandma?
Adult son to mom: Thanks for babysitting the kids, ma. You know why I love you?
Rockin granny: Cuz I breastfed you for 12 years?
Ten year old grandson: Oh my god!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
It Was at Once Zesty and Explosive!
Older guy: We had dinner there earlier in the week. I got food poisoning.
Young kayaking guide: Really? Was it good?
--York Beach, Maine
His Cologne? History Channel No. 5.
Elderly woman: You know your cousin Wyatt? He's into history as well. And he is positively obsessed with World War II. The Nazi regime, camps, he is an expert!
Girl: That's really creepy, grandma.
--Tampa, Florida
I Love a Girl Who Can Handle Her Balls
70-year-old man at bar: I got prostate cancer back in the day, so I can lick 'em, but I can't dick 'em.
Almost legal girl: Oh? (laughs)
70-year-old man: You're very well-built for your age. (stares at girl's breasts) You wanna play pool with me?
--Palm Coast, Florida
But I Was Just About to Tie Them in a Bow!
Elderly husband to leather-tanned wife taking top off on the beach: Jesus Christ, Mary! Put those things away,will you? Nobody wants to see that.
--Playa Del Carmen, Mexico
The Same Thing Happens to Women
Trendy Asian chick: I've seen a lot of transvestites in my day, but only one with a beard.
Old, well-dressed Mexican man: He must have forgotten to shave.
--Newport Beach, California
Is It My Turn to Talk?
Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.
--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
I Just Realized How Much I Miss The Golden Girls
Large mother to screaming child: Stop that screeching or I'll cut out your larynx!
Large mother to large sister: Where did she learn to screech like that?
Large sister: I don't know, ask the one in the wheelchair. (points to grandmother in wheelchair)
--Ocean City, Maryland
Semen + Sand = Concrete
Old cougar: It was good ole fashioned hanky panky. Fun, but definitely not worth all the sand that got up there.
--Canadia
And If You Swim Every Day, You Never Need to Bathe
Older rich man: I stopped using soap back in '74. There's a lot to be said for some hot water and a good scrub.
--Destin, Florida
Will the Empire-Waist Shirt Never Die?
Old lady looking at 30-something lady with a pot belly: Oh, how nice! How far along are you?
30-something lady: I beg ya pardon?
Old lady, smiling: Well, when are you due honey? The baby!
30-something lady: I'm not pregnant! This is how I look!
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
The Problem Might Be Quality, Not Quantity-- Just a Guess, Hon
Old lady, walking with husband: I don't really understand the problem. I mean, I throw more parties than the college kids!
--Pennfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Meg
When Interior Designer Boys Marry Landscaper Girls
Old lady: I think he's a delightful young man and so is she.
--Manteo, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sarah J.
I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream
Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Stephanie Wall
Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?
Older man: Look, if you're really worried about it...
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I'm having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.
--Beach Footpath, Australia
Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start
Anyone Else Feeling a Strange Nostalgia for The Golden Girls?
Little old lady, stumbling on the boardwalk with her husband: Oh my goodness! There's no railing on the edge? What? Someone could just fall right off! If they were as drunk as me, anyways.
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: Caroline Oldfield
Hey, I've Seen You Eat Molten Chocolate Cake
Elderly man, taking picture of his wife on the beach: You look like you're having an orgasm!
Wife: How would you know?
--Pass-A-Grille Beach, Florida
Overheard by: The girl who almost ended up in the picture.
That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
Fictional Fucking Is So Much Neater Than the Real Thing
Old woman #1: So did you get that dirty book I was talking about?
Old woman #2: No, I couldn't find it. They don't sell them at Barnes and Noble. I have to look on Amazon.
Old woman #1: The one I read is really graphic. This girl is this room, watching two people doing it.
Old woman #2: Yeah, I'm saving some of them to read on the plane ride.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: caySAYhey
Loretta Also Commented on the Number of Jews in Jerusalem
(on board a ferry full of black people)
Elderly southern woman: Seems to me there are a lot of blacks here.
Half deaf elderly husband: What?
Elderly southern woman: Blacks!
--Ferry, Bermuda
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
--Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
Professional Fluffer?
Old lady to another: She would do anything for a marshmallow!
--Seaside, Oregon
Overheard by: Arianne
Other Than That It Was Great
Granddaughter: Did you have fun in Hong Kong?
Grandma: Well, yes, there was a lot of Asian food.
Grandpa: And the people were all shorter than you!
Granddaughter: Really...
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
Mr. Britannica Grew Weary Of the Expectations the World Placed on Him
Little boy: Why is that woman walking faster than us?
Grandfather (frustrated): I have no explanation for this!
--Sauble Beach, Canadia
Overheard by: Totally walking faster than them
Yeaahhh, Definitely Six Days
Grandma: So aren't you coming to visit me in 3 weeks.
Granddaughter: No, like 2 weeks and 6 days.
--Fort Lauderdale, Florida
It Said It Was a Leprechaun, Here to Grant Wishes
Blonde in bikini #1: She said she made eye contact with it three times.
Older man reading magazine: It was a five-year-old. That's what kids do.
Blonde in bikini #2: It was definitely not a five-year-old.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
But I'm Breast-Feeding That Conch Shell Over There
Old lady: This isn't a nude beach!
Young lady, sunbathing topless and feigning surprise: Oh, really? Oh, okay...
--Auckland, New Zealand
Overheard by: Shakira
No, My Family Comes to See Me
Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?
--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Forgot my iPod
Jesus, Bitsy!
Preppy 60-something #1: Now you only owe me 10,463 martinis.
Preppy 60-something #2: Yep, she owes me a bunch, too.
--Kennebunkport, Maine
Overheard by: Amused Locals
Absolute Motorpower Corrupts Absolutely
Angry old lady in motorchair: Where the hell have you been?! I've been all over this side of the lake, on the ferry, to the other side and back across here lookin' for you!
Bewildered old man in motorchair: I was over there lookin' for you.
Angry old lady: Whatever! Just come on! [Speeds off.]
Bewildered old man, scared: But wait for me!
--Epcot's International Village, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: bakerchica
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Old black lady finishes pooping and flushes: Oh, thank you, Jesus! [Hums gospel tune.]
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lauren
Awww, You're Sweet. No, I'm 30
Little girl: Grandma, you're old!
Grandma: How old do you think I am, sweetie?
Little girl: I dunno... like, 16, or something.
--Wilmington, North Carolina
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
I Really Miss That Bleeding Sensation
Old lady #1: You don't see so much sea glass anymore.
Old lady #2: Yeah, people don't litter like they used to.
Old lady #1: That's getting to be a real problem, isn't it?
--Montara Beach, California
Overheard by: comber
Now If You Could Just Do Something about the Height of Your Waistband
Old man: Honey, do you feel better now that I've started wearing shorter socks?
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Let's Start With 150 and See What Happens
Old guy on oxygen: So, how many more beers can I have??
--Sandbridge, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
Detached Redundancies Are For People Under the Age of 20
Tween #1: Ohmigod. It's soooo sandy.
Tween #2: Um, it's a beach.
Random old man: Damn teeny boppers.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: I hate shoobies.
Maybe It's Looking to Relocate
Wife: Murray! Cover up! Your business is hanging out of your bathing suit!
Husband, nonplussed: That business closed down years ago.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Larry
New Hampshire: The New Jersey of New England
Older woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Young woman: Nope.
Older woman: You lived next door to me when you lived with your aunt in Salem!
Young woman: Salem?
Older woman: Salem, New Hampshire.
Young woman: I don't have an aunt in Salem.
Older woman: Oh, come on, don't you remember?
Young woman: I never lived in New Hampshire. I have lived in Maine my whole life.
Older woman, sarcastically: Yeah...Okay.
--Wells Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Vee-licious
I Hear that's Why Hemingway Stayed for So Long
Elderly lady: Come now, y'all! Key West is gonna be loads of fun! They gots the Ripley's and Cuban people!
--Lido deck, The Carnival Glory, Key West
Overheard by: y'all need an icepack on dat thang?
'Ethereal!' Raves the Washington Post
Young woman: I think Grandma's looking down on us from heaven.
Old lady: I hear that's a nice place.
Young woman: I've been there -- it's awesome!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Robin M.
