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On the phone All Categories > People > On the phone
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Um, All I Asked Was, "Are You Happy with Your Long-Distance Carrier?"
Attractive female on cell: No, that's sexual harassment.
--Lorne, Australia
Actually, Write Her a Nice Card Inviting Her to Do So.
Girl on cell: Suck a dick! Tell Vanessa to suck a dick too!
--Long Branch, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mr. Pacman and the Pacman Ghost
Actually, It Was a Great Party!
20-something girl on cell: The baby-changing room?! That's horrid!
--Interislander Ferry, New Zealand
Overheard by: Sally
David Hasselhoff? Really?
16-year-old on phone: So he tried to sell you heroin?
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: That guy
How the High-Five Originally Developed
Girl on cell: Sometimes I just wanna beat you. Like, with my hand... Not my fist.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: SB
On Jerry Springer It's Never Out
Girl on cell: Don't be worried! Incest is totally in this season.
--Tampa, Florida
She's a Walking Tribute to 1980s Madonna
Fake tanned, bleach blonde woman loudly into phone: I mean, have you seen Alice lately? Forget the Brazilian wax, she needs to have the whole South American!
--Manly Beach, Sydney
Overheard by: anotherpassenger
...With an Expandable Panel in Front.
Girl on phone: I have good news and bad news! The good news is I'm not pregnant. The bad news is I need new jeans!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Grossed out but laughing
I Could Replace All Her Music With Christian Rock
Teenage gangsta on cell: Naw man, she's not gonna mess with me. I have her MySpace password. Her MySpace password!
--San Diego, California
David Hasselhoff? Really?
16-year-old on phone: So he tried selling you heroin?
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: That guy
And What Exactly Do You Sell Again?
Man, answering phone: Talbot Street Watersports, how may I help you?
Customer: Oh, what street are you on?
Man: Still on Talbot Street.
Customer: Oh, good... I was just checking.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC Rocket
Yeah, I'll Hold
Fat guy on cell: I'm not interested. Throw my food at the dog.
--Rhyl, Wales
Overheard by: Jake
Maybe They'll Shame Me Out Of My Little Hissy Fit
Guy on cell: Dude, you gotta come down here...I'm about to jump in the ocean and scream at the universe and I want you to help me! (pause) Okay, yeah, send the brown people down.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Just Brain Cells? Whew!
Guy on cell: Did you just say you killed somebody?!
--Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: gavin
They Pump in The "Surf" White Noise To Mute Conversations
Girl on cell: Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm in the library. (pause) Yes. (pause) No, I can't talk, I'm studying.
--Blemar Beach, New Jersey
I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: debbie downer
Wasn't This an Episode Of SVU?
Man on cell: Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady.
--Marine World, Vallejo, California
Overheard by: Keena Burt
I've Tried Walking It Off Without Success
Guy on cell: I don't know, it may just be the chlamydia talking, though.
--Destin, Florida
Oh, It's Already Been Bratwurst!
Unshaven surfer on cell: No, no, no! Do you want me to bring Schnitzel?
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Immigrants: The New El Nino.
Black tween girl to girlfriend on cell: It's mad hot out, you deported Dominican.
--Bergen Beach, New York
Overheard by: its not THAT hot out
Gonna Be Everybody's Naptime
Hipster teen on cell: No, dude, I'm not sober. I'm totally drunk and I have to babysit in less than an hour!
--Alki Beach, Seattle, Washington
It's a Wonderful Life
Cute Jewish on cell, to mother: Are you calling me just to fucking nag? Cuz if you are, I am hanging up. (pause) I don't know, I'm going to do what every Jew does on Christmas, go to the movies and eat Chinese food!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
The Wave Machine's a Little Cheesy, Though
Obnoxiously loud tourist on cell, watching lighthouse: Oh my god! You would just love it here! Everything is so cute and quaint! They even have a building that looks just like a real lighthouse! It lights up and everything!
--Holland State Park, Michigan
If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket
Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: couldn't contain
Maybe Try the Saran Wrap Off a Sub
Drunk guy in line on cell: I don't see any rubbers here, so are you okay with "pull & pray?" (pause) You know I'm not gonna pull out, right?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I really hope they don't procreate...
But If I Find Out You Were Just Doing Math Homework, I'll Be Pissed
Girl on cell: Hey! I was wondering when you're picking me up... Oh... Okay... Well, yeah, I'm not as exciting as getting fucked. I'd ditch me too. Okay, call me tomorrow!
--Queen's Quay, Toronto, Canadia
Overheard by: Laura
Happens Every Time She Watches The O'Reilly Factor
Quick-walking woman leaving voice mail: Hey, it's me. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I have never wanted to chop someone's dick off as much I as I do right now. He is a low-down lying piece of shit, and I hope he fucking dies. I mean, a fucking tractor-trailer could run his fucking sonofabitch ass over and I would be perfectly fine. Okay, talk to you soon, I love you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Seagulls? Yeah, I'm in Canarsie
Weasel on cell: I'm in Brooklyn now, so it will have to wait until later...
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Local
Nah, Meg Ryan's Face Just Looks That Way
Excited teenage girl on cell: Dude, that's so beat!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Tim
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
Besides, She's Nine
Girl on phone with guy friend: You know, my sister just got her tits done for her birthday... I don't want you fucking her.
--Jones Beach, New York
Not Since That Elevator in New York!
Guy on cell: That was the first time I shit my pants in a while!
--Salem, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura Wilson
But Then, So Have I
Man on cell: I know -- she's been a proper cunt since she got cancer.
--Freshwater West, Pembroke, Wales
Overheard by: Withy
We've Tested the Law in Court
Conservative mom on cell: Julia, you just can't bring your kids here and let them swim naked... What? Yes, Julia, it's illegal.
--51st Street, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Unexpecting Beach Reader
... Hello? ... Hello?
Dude on cell: So, how did that thing with the executioner go?
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Russ
I Just Said It Would Make Me Happy
Man on cell: Well, I didn't explicitly tell him to kill himself...
--Santa Cruz Boardwalk, California
No Longer My Favorite Sacrament
Dude on cell: I don't think the marriage thing is going to work... Why? Because I'm already married!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Well, Do You Have a Gerbil and a Teeny Tiny Miner's Hat?
Guy on cell, sighing: What are you gonna do, y'know? I mean, besides putting a flashlight in your vagina... Too bad.
--Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: TK
Tonight's Movie: She Cloned Hitler
Dude on cell: Yeah, but dude, what could she have done that was so bad you had to hit her in the face with a bottle?
--Monmouth Beach, New Jersey
So I'm Tighter with Radiohead Than with You!
Man on cell: We met at a bar and went on one date... You don't even know me! You haven't even seen my MySpace page!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Greg
Unless You're Monty Python
Dude on cell: Falling in love with me and sitting on my face are two completely different things.
--Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Matyis
His Wife Split with It
Man on cell: What? What's up with the banana skirt? How come I don't get a banana skirt?
--Waikiki, Honolulu, Hawaii
You Mean 'Danger' in Your Vagina... And How Did You Know I Called It That?
Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight... that sounds good... I won't do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?
--Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
Now You Know How the Anteater Feels
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they'll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
She May Have Gotten His Cell Phone Wet
Woman on cell: No, it wasn't a yeast infection. It's not a fishy smell, and I have cramps. I never get cramps!... Yeah...Maybe that's why he's not calling me back.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Kimmie David
I'm Under the Sun.....Now
Women on cell walking down a 2-mile beach: I am right by the water. Where are you?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Antzolino
Fast and the Furious 4: Barnyard Slide
Chick on cell: Yeah, we got a ticket for going 80 miles per hour on the way here, though. Wanna know why? We were trying to catch up to a giant truck full of chickens!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: K
A New Dimension to the Walk of Shame
Young woman on cell: Okay, well, I'm leaving before he sees the blood.
--Minnetonka Beach, Minnesota
Overheard by: buddy
Today's Forecast: Dawn of Self-Awareness Hidden by Clouds of Stupidity
Over-dressed and self-important guy on cell: No, no, it was some sort of implement she was calling us... No... Rubber? A douchebag? I've heard that before.
--Pacific Palisades, California
Overheard by: ear of the betafish
The Marketing Director Advises Santa's Purchasing Elf
Girl on cell: Dude, you could buy a whole bag full of dildos, and he would never know.
--Oceanside, California
Overheard by: groovychica
