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What? The Tide Carries It Away!
Man to wife and daughter: Hey! I've shat my pants before and it really wasn't that bad, so I'd be willing to do it again.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
...Have Some Fucking Family Fun!
Attractive dad in front of giant sting ray swim tank: There will always be times in your life where you will have fear, but when you do it anyway, it makes it easier the next time. Okay, buddy?
Skinny eight-year-old with snot dripping down his nose: (nods)
Attractive dad: Okay, let's go.
--Discovery Cove, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: I was scared
I Also Would Have Accepted "Yes"
Little girl: Do you have a stronger brain or a stronger heart?
Dad: Who?
Little girl: You?
Dad: Both.
--Rye, New York
Overheard by: Lobster
What "Tubthumping'" Is About
Guy to son, pouring Hawaiian punch into kids cup: Boy, you gonna be pissin' tonight!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Sandwich
That's What You Said About the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria
Little boy: Dad, what's the navy?
Dad: It's the army, but with boats.
--South Haven, Michigan
Dear God, What Have I Done?
Father to daughter, while mother brushes hair: Doesn't that hurt?
Daughter: Nope, I have a strong scallop.
Father: What does that mean? Your head is not made of vegetables!
Mother: What? Vegetables? That's "scallions," you idiot! And your head is not a scallop, it's a scalp... you're both idiots! (laughs hysterically)
--Robert Moses, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Sugardoll
First Of All, She Needs a Stripper Pole...
Father to 14-month-old daughter: Can daddy get a table dance?"
(toddler starts to bounce up and down)
Mother, taking daughter from father's arms: No, because she wants to give her mama a lap dance!
Disgusted uncle: This is so wrong on so many levels...
--Doheny State Beach, Dana Point, California
Overheard by: Glad I'm related by marriage
The Fire Alarm? Really?
Father at table with whole family, after female scream is heard: Wow, that sounds like my wife's orgasm. I'm hammered!
--Catalina Island, California
Minneapolis Kids Emerge from Hibernation After a Long Wii-inter
Dad to kid: You guys want to rent a canoe?
Kid: Canoe!? That's super hard, even on the Wii, much less in real water!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: caveman
...and Embarrass Me in Front Of My Criminal Enterprise Assoicates
Tattooed dad to two-year-old daughter struggling to get on tricycle: Remember, sweetie, always get on from the left so you don't burn yourself on the exhaust pipe.
--Playground, Alameda, California
Overheard by: lith
Robin Laid an Egg!
Little boy: Ew, dad! Look! Dog poo!
Father: No, I think that's bat poo.
Little boy: Batman's poo?
--Byron Bay, Australia
...Word to Your Mother
Father to young son: Some holes have crabs!
--Alma, New Bruswick, Canadia
What? It's Really Fat.
Little boy standing at pier railing, looking at beach: Look, dad! I can see America from here!
--Seal Beach Pier, California
The Only Acceptable Place for a Jonas Brothers Poster
Trailer trash girl: Daddy, should I put this in the toilet or hang it on the wall?
Dad: In the toilet, of course!
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Never Heard Of the Halo Effect, Dad?
Teenage boy: I love grass near the beach. Like, if this grass were on Ft. Rucker it would suck, 'cause it's just grass. But here it's awesome, because you know there's a beach next to it.
Dad: What the hell are you talking about?
Teenage boy: What!
--Pendleton Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Middle child
Well Can I at Least Kick My Brother?
Little girl: Daddy, can I kick the birds?
Dad: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Dad: Birds are nice!
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard Editors: Is She One Of Us?
Little girl: Why is the ghost still here?
Dad: She just likes to come back and say hi from the spirit world.
Little girl: But why does she throw books?
Dad: She doesn't throw books, she just likes to read. And she's a little drunk.
--Hotel Del Coronado, San Diego, California
I'd Hoped to Be Fat in My Own Way
Adorable little girl: Daddy, I want a hamburger!
Bitter dad: No, hamburgers will make you fat. Do you want to be fat like your mommy? Is that what you want?
--3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica, California
No More McDonald's for You, Pal
Hot dad: No, it's because I prefer other foods.
Small boy clinging to his back: Like people poopy?
--Vancouver Sea Walk, Canada
Overheard by: Rosie
Snoop Dogg Is Taking That Under Advisement
Teenage surfer to dad: You're too old to get high!
--La Jolla, California
There's Nothing Like Nature to Bring Families Closer Together
Canoeing dad, looking back: I think we lost William entirely.
Canoeing guy: Who's Tyler?
--Blue River, Milltown, Indiana
Guess I Need Bigger Sunglasses
Young boy to father: Dad, do you know those girls?
Father: No!
Young boy: Oh, 'cause you keep staring at them...
--Lake McConaughy, Nebraska
Then Why Do You Keep Making Me the Designated Driver?
Six-year-old boy, fully dressed in Lacoste: I am almost your age.
Father, fully dressed in Lacoste: You are not almost my age.
--Atlantis Resort & Casino, Bahamas
Why There's a Obesity Epidemic: Explained
Dad to misbehaving child: Do you want chocolate or a slap?
--Nantasket Beach, Massachusetts
What Kind Of Example Are You Setting?
Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I've got a fucking five-year-old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!
--The Hamptons, New York
No, That's What Your Mother Refuses to Give Me
Guy to daughter: Okay, here's one: Oink, oink!
Daughter: That's a pig!
Guy: Cock-a-doodle-do!
Daughter: That's a...morning chicken.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Here4theLaughs
Let's Go Find the Slot Machine Your Mother's Tied to
Kid, looking out at the Atlantic ocean: Is that the ocean?
Dad: I think it's one of the great lakes.
--Boardwalk, Atlantic City, New Jersey
Mom Hates the Cow Jokes, Y'know
Teen girl: What'cha doing, dad?
Father: Staring at the cow.
Teen girl (looking ahead): Where?
Father: In the water.
Teen girl (frantically looking at the sea): Where?!
Father: In my imagination.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: amused book-reader
Two Rudes Just Make a Prude
Little girl, pointing at a couple making out: Hey! Look, daddy! We have to stop and stare now.
Dad: Shh! No, sweetie. What they are doing is rude, but staring is rude too.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
He Taught His Sons Semaphore So He'd Never Have to Walk on Sand Again
Tourist dad: Great communication, guys. Now I had to walk out here and get my feet all sandy.
--Ogunquit, Maine
Where Do You Think Money Comes From, Miss Smarty-Pants?
Girl (yelling from balcony): You brought a printer on vacation with you?
Dad: Yes.
Girl: (walks away annoyed)
--Long Beach Island, New York
Overheard by: Jayne
Instead of Setting Daddy on Fire, Like Usual
Four-year-old girl: Daddy! Why did you knock over my sandcastle?!
Dad: Because you knocked over my sandcastle first.
(dad coolly turns to two-year-old son and begins playing with him)
Four-year-old girl, in hysterics: Daddy! I'm so angry at you!
Mom: Good honey, you're expressing your feelings really well.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
As Required by State Law
Four-year-old southerner: Dad! We should cut up a fish! We should cut up a fish and watch it bleed!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: beach*blonde
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
If Anything Comes Off, Just Put It Back
Man with small child on his shoulders, rubbing his bald head: Rub harder! Make a wish!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Arlene M Franks
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
How the Hell Would I Know That?
Five-year old boy whining to dad: Let's go boogie-board.
Dad: No! You know my nipples get raw if I go without a shirt on...
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Lilian
Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
I Married Your Mother for Her Grand Tetons
Little boy, somewhat sheepishly: Dad, are you fascinated by rocks?
Dad, sincerely enthusiastic: I love rocks!
--Venice Beach, California
She's at the Great Beach in the Sky, Sweetie
Foreign single father: So, are you guys having fun at the beach?
Son: Actually, yeah -- it's fun.
Foreign single father: Next time, have positive attitude from the start.
Son: No, that was 'cause before when you said, 'Let's go to the beach,' I thought we were gonna visit Mom.
--Lake Erie, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: native english speaker
"Arf-Arf" Means "Give Me the Meat or Die!"
Six-year-old boy running with hot dog in hand, chased by leash-less Doberman Pinscher: Look, Dad!
Suddenly-observant father: No! Drop that meat!
Six-year-old boy, still running with hot dog in hand: But Dad, I'm learning to speak dog!
--Ocean Beach's Dog Beach, California
Overheard by: fishwhisperer
Probably Has Something to Do with the Location of His Brain
Dad, about bald passerby: That guy is really bald!
Daughter: Dad, you have more hair on your butt than your head.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Ryan
Communism Is Difficult to Swallow
Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
I Don't Care What Anybody Says -- Paint Is a Food
Six-year-old boy: I had to take a second year of kindergarten.
Dad: Just like your old man.
--Point Lookout Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
Still Think Sex Ed Belongs in the Home?
Dad to child about whale bone on display: They got that from Cape Cod's biggest peregrine falcon monkey. It's one of the teeth.
--Wellfleet Bay Audubon Center, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Anatomist Wannabe
A Very "Special" School
Dad: It's all about the Benjamins?
Son: Who's Benjamin?
Dad: He's the president on the hundred dollar bill. He was the third president of the United States. You'd know that if you were in private school like I was.
--Zuma Beach, Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
Grandma's Are Normally Constrained by Twin Haversacks
Teen girl: He saw some girl's boobs.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Were they as big as Grandma's?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: hc
Not Until I Can Get Your Rubber Gloves Out of the Diaper Bag
Little boy: Daddy, look what I found in the sand!
Father: Don't touch it. I don't know what it is, but don't touch it.
--Jungle Gym, Coney Island Beach, New York
I Know I Sure Do!
Annoyed dad to crying baby: Do you want to be buried alive or what?!
--Honeymoon Island, Florida
Overheard by: Christa
Tomorrow Night It's The Devil in Miss Jones or Nothing
Five-year-old girl to dad humming Lion King theme: Would you please stop singing that song?!
Dad: I can't get it out of my head.
Five-year-old girl: That's the last time you make me watch that movie with you.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: jeff little
Just Say Galileo Was a Test-Tube Baby
Boy: Dad, who's more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn't his father?
--Boracay, Philippines
Overheard by: jkcalma
Nudists Have Ways of Recognizing Each Other
Little boy: Dad, why does that girl have her swim suit straps down like that?
Dad: So she doesn't get tan lines on her shoulders. Yup, if your mom had those I never would've married her.
--Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Mindygotback
I Miss Her
Father pointing to ocean: Hey, John, look at the dolphins! [Seven-year-old boy looks around, not seeing them.] You're missing them! You're missing them like you miss everything! You're just like your mother!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Got to remember that for when I am a parent
And That's the Way We Became the Brady Bunch
Girl #1: Alex and I had sex here, on this beach.
Girl #2: When?
Girl #1: Last summer. We were staying at his parents' beach house and would come out here at night and just do it.
Girl #2: Sounds fun.
Girl #1: Oh, it was. Until we saw this couple walking their dog by the water.
Girl #2: Hm?
Girl #1: It turned out it was Alex's parents. They totally knew it was us.
Girl #2, laughing: Did they ever say anything about it?
Girl #1: Oh, yeah. His dad took me aside the next morning and told me we could have a private rendezvous one night if I wanted.
Girl #2: No way! That's disgusting! Oh my god, what a perv!
Girl #1: Yeah, except he and his wife were going to get a divorce anyway...
--Stinson Beach, California
And in the Slums They Call Them 'Lunch'
Little boy: Dad, what kind of birds are these?
Dad: Those are pigeons, but at the seaside they will call them 'seagulls'!
--Ostseebad Damp, Germany
Overheard by: Pascal
Nevermind. How Do You Keep a Turkey in Suspense?
Boy: Hey, Dad, are monkeys fast?
Dad: I guess compared to humans, yes.
Boy: Are cheetahs fast?
Dad: Yes, they are the fastest.
Boy: Are lions fast?
Dad: Yes, very.
Boy: Are bamboozles fast?
Dad: What?
--Trunk Bay, St. John, US Virgin Islands
Overheard by: Sonia
And Often... and Daily... and at All Hours. Wait....
Dad to buddy's tween daughter: Susie*, can you get me another beer from the cooler?
Susie: Wow, Jerry, you're an alcoholic.
Dad's own tween daughter: My dad is not an alcoholic, he just drinks fast!
--Long Island, New York
And Not the Exciting Kind
Little girl: What does that sign mean?
Father: That means 'Pedestrians,' sweetie.
Little girl: Are we pedestrians?
Father: Yes, we are.
Little girl: Oh... I thought we were Catholics.
--Beach near Amsterdam, North Holland, Netherlands
Overheard by: Daan
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Little Guilty Knowledge There, Bro?
Tween in one-piece: Amber's parents let her wear a bikini.
Dad: But her parents love her.
Teen brother: No, they don't. She's just a 10-year-old slut.
--Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Jenny
First They Blow You Up, Then They Patch You Up
Teen: What's Hezbollah?
Dad: Well, it's hard to explain. They're a terrorist paramilitary organization, but they're also a humanitarian social services organization. They're sort of like the Super Wal-Mart of the Middle East.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
Actually, There Is a Penis at Home - It's That Thing I Told You Never to Talk to Mommy About
Small girl: I want to see a penis.
Father: What?
Small girl: Mommy said we go to the beach to see lots of penises because there are none at home.
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Total Observer
This Must Be Some New Sausage-Eating Technique I'm Unaware Of
Son: These are pretty good.
Dad: Yeah, they're not bad if you soak them in your mouth like sausage.
--Nauset Light Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
The Age of Consent For Assault and Battery
Little boy: That's a man's weak spot!
Father: I don't care how old he is. If I were you, even if he were 18, I'd punch him!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: em-elia
A Cool Guy Would Play with His Daughter
Little girl: Daddy! Guess what I am supposed to be!
Dad: You are a crab.
Little girl: Right! Okay, Daddy, now it's your turn.
Dad sits there, talking to his wife.
Little girl: Daddy! You are supposed to be something!
Dad: I am. I am being a cool guy.
--Horseshoe Bay Ferry Terminal, Vancouver, Canadia
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
If You Turn Out to Be Gay
Little boy: I can't believe we went under. I still have that taste in my mouth!
Dad: Get used to it. You'll be tasting that your whole life.
--Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kp & Cd
God Often Forgets to Rest on the Seventh Day
Father: Okay okay okay, let's go now.
Tween daughter #1: Why? We have company! Can't we stay?
Father: I have no coverage here. I have calls to make. I have to work. No work, no play, no food, no house, no fun, no beach, no vacation.
Tween daughter #2: No beach?
Father: How do you think this beach got here? My hard work.
--Nauset Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amazed observer
They Licensed Santa's Technology
Father: No, you can't go in there. There's a bar, and it's over 21.
Little boy standing in front of café stares at father.
Father: Quick, get away from the door before you set off the alarm!
--Duck, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
The Real Reason Formula Was Invented
20-Something daughter: Dad! Hurry up and take the picture; mom's pressing her boobs into my back!
Mom: I'm sorry! You suckled from these boobs, you know.
20-Something daughter: Well, clearly I quit for a reason.
Dad: Yeah. Because you were too tired of fighting me for them.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate
Teaching Your Kids to Levitate Via Negative Feedback
Parent: Joshua, no! Don't touch the sand! No! No! No! Put it down! Joshua! Don't touch the sand!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: gunky
When Daddy Did That to Mommy He Was Half-Kidding, Honey
Daughter, holding crab: Oh, daddy, it's so cute. Can I keep it?
Father: No, honey, it's too small.
Daughter: No, daddy, I want it for a pet.
Father: It has to live in the ocean, honey. We have to let it go.
Daughter: But, daddy, I love it. Can't I keep it?
Father: No, baby.
Daughter: Daddy?
Father: Yes, honey?
Daughter: Can I step on it?
--Goleta Beach, California
I Was Hoping to Sustain Your Youthful Innocence a Bit Longer. We Hate Black People
Tween girl: Daddy, why aren't there ever any black people at this beach?
Dad: Well, I'm not sure, but I think they don't care for water and the sun.
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Chad
We Named Him Andreas, After the Fault
Guy, about his infant son's abnormally long ass crack: Some day that one's gonna be the toast of San Francisco.
--Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Reading Man
