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If You Tell Me to Diversify My Portfolio One More Time...
Mother to five-year-old: I don't want to hear your shit!
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Luminesce
And I Do Mean Everywhere
Middle-aged soccer mom, incredulously: There is sand everywhere! (short pause) Like, no kidding!
--Calafia Beach, San Clemente, California
Overheard by: omg, are you kidding?!
...Unlike Your Soul.
Nagging mother to adult daughter, after sniping at her all afternoon: Your best attribute used to be your personality. But with the life you lead, now it's dead.
Adult daughter's husband, without looking up from newspaper: It's not dead, it's just asleep.
--Maguire's Landing, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: oysterwoman
Homeschooling: The Dark Side.
Little city boy chasing seagull on the beach: Come here, you flying chicken!
Mom: That is not a chicken, that is a pigeon or something!
Little boy: I said come here, come here, you chicken head!
--Seaside, Oregon
Dear God, What Have I Done?
Father to daughter, while mother brushes hair: Doesn't that hurt?
Daughter: Nope, I have a strong scallop.
Father: What does that mean? Your head is not made of vegetables!
Mother: What? Vegetables? That's "scallions," you idiot! And your head is not a scallop, it's a scalp... you're both idiots! (laughs hysterically)
--Robert Moses, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Sugardoll
First Of All, She Needs a Stripper Pole...
Father to 14-month-old daughter: Can daddy get a table dance?"
(toddler starts to bounce up and down)
Mother, taking daughter from father's arms: No, because she wants to give her mama a lap dance!
Disgusted uncle: This is so wrong on so many levels...
--Doheny State Beach, Dana Point, California
Overheard by: Glad I'm related by marriage
Yep, Sounds Like Him.
Six-year-old to mother: A big wave just came and knocked me down and carried me away and some lady helped me up.
Mother: Why didn't your father help you up?
Six-year-old, in sneering voice: Cuz he was too busy going "hahahahaha!"
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: just the Aunt
Subtle Childrearing Is Very Hard to Pull Off
Hysterical mom to toddler in bathroom stall: Goddamit Jeffrey, stop trying to pull it off and just piss out of it!
--Bathroom Stall, Mall, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
It's French for "Goes Directly to Your Thighs"
Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can't have sugar! (pause) What is "creme brulee," anyways?
--Huntington Beach, California
...I Mean, If We Knew Who He Was.
Mother: Stop flicking your ear.
Tween son: I can't. My ear is so awesome.
Mother: You're so retarded sometimes.
Tween son: Like dad?
--Orchard Beach, The Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Pinks
What Happens When New York Kids Are Exposed to Direct Sunlight
Mom, pushing crying three-year-old: You cannot cry here! Wait till we get back to New York, where it s snowing, to cry!
--Isla Verde, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Overheard by: i wanna cry too!
Pretend You Like Each Other
Mom, trying to take a photo: Hug your sister or we're going home.
--Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: John
Submitter Needs to Get Over Himself
Mother: Remember: when you have to use the bathroom at the beach, you go in the water, right?
Toddler: Okay, mommy.
--East Hampton, New York
Overheard by: I'll never swim again
Like the Platypus, and the Otter.
Little boy: Mommy, dolphins don't have gills!
Mom: Yes they do, honey; all fishes have gills.
--Hawaii
Overheard by: Sarah
Too Soon, Mom
Three-year-old girl, swaying her hips: Mommy, do I look like a teenager?
--Fire Island, New York
...And I Love You For It, Honey
Mother to child, as they leave the beach: You're like walkin', talkin' birth control.
--Brownie Lake, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Erin Christey
Or Sunblock
Mother to screaming child throwing sachets of sugar: Do that again and you won't get a babycino.
--Café, Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
Ad: Got Grandma?
Adult son to mom: Thanks for babysitting the kids, ma. You know why I love you?
Rockin granny: Cuz I breastfed you for 12 years?
Ten year old grandson: Oh my god!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Kelly and Sharon Osbourne Have Always Been Close
Mother to daughter reading a running magazine: Which is harder, running on a treadmill...
Daughter, yelling: Your mum!
--Tampa, Florida
They Must Be Taking the Tom Cruise
Mother to young child: Do you hear the ship, honey?
Child: No, mommy, I don't.
Mother: Do you feel the ship moving?
Child: Yes! I feel my shit moving.
--Carnival Freedom Cruise, Caribbean Sea
Overheard by: InTheNextStall
The Question Is, Who's Smelling It?
Daughter: Mom, why do you have to go to the bathroom already? We just went a few minutes ago!
Mother: I don't know... I guess I'm like a dog, I have to leave my scent everywhere...
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
They Only Eat When They're Hungry
Son: Mommy, why haven't the sharks ripped those other fish apart?
--New York Aquarium, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em
Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
You Must Be at Least This Smart to Go Near the Water
Tourist mom: Can you rent a boat at the lake down there?
Employee: Um, no. And that's the Pacific ocean.
--Coffee Shop, Carmel Beach, California
...Or Not?
Irritated mother: So, the dance is really just a DJ playing music for an hour, it's very informal.
Blonde teen: So, does that mean it's unformal?
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: hahahahaha
Shark: Ralph, Do You Have to Play the Jaws Theme Non-Stop?
Middle aged tourist yelling frantically to children in the water: Get out, get out! There's sharks!
Teenager with skimboard: Actually, those are a school of stingrays. They're quite harmle...
Middle age mother, cutting him off: Shaaarks! Get out now!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Jonica Grompson
They Pump in The "Surf" White Noise To Mute Conversations
Girl on cell: Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm in the library. (pause) Yes. (pause) No, I can't talk, I'm studying.
--Blemar Beach, New Jersey
We've Decided Not to Allow You in the Water
Lifeguard to wading mother: That girl is too small. She can't be out that far. She has to be within arm's length.
Mother: How far is arm's length?
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: hefferlump
Then That Toast You Made Me for Breakfast Was All Lies?
Mom to toddler: Do not take your bathing suit off! You can't walk around naked! We're not French!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
Hopefully Only Sorrows Will Be Drowned Today.
Mother to five-year-old son: If anything happens get help from a lifeguard. Mommy's gonna be at the bar.
--Blizzard Beach, Disney World, Florida
Like They Do with Our Astroturf Lawn
Chubby eight-year-old boy, walking and kicking sand up with his feet: Woah! Ma! Look at this! They've even got real sand here!
Exasperated mom, clutching French fries: No shit! It's real sand! Buying fake sand would be dumb. Everyone would steal it.
--The Bahamas
Overheard by: Fake sand maker
Is That a Challenge?
Little girl, very afraid of the toilet: No!
Girl's frustrated mother: Go to the bathroom. It's not going to hurt you. I promise!
Girl: No!
Mother: Please! I'll be standing right here. Nothing will happen.
Girl: No no no no no!
Mother: Goddammit, Kylie! You can't hold you poop in forever!
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Millie
I Just Realized How Much I Miss The Golden Girls
Large mother to screaming child: Stop that screeching or I'll cut out your larynx!
Large mother to large sister: Where did she learn to screech like that?
Large sister: I don't know, ask the one in the wheelchair. (points to grandmother in wheelchair)
--Ocean City, Maryland
Where Did You Even Get a Bikini Top?
Woman with three-year-old boy: Dude, you are freaking mommy out!
--Beach 6, Presque Isle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
Paul Revere: Everybody Gets That Wrong
15-year-old to mother and sister: Two for the pink, one for the stink.
Mother, laughing: Who taught you that?
15-year-old: Dad.
--Boat in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii
Overheard by: Pro Forced Sterilization
To Only Do It at Night?
Mother to son: What did he tell you about playing on his mound?
--Riis Park Beach, New York
Overheard by: Britt
Which Explains Why You Saw Me Debriefing One in the Shower
Woman, to young son: No, honey, mommy has two attorneys.
--Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lotte
Mary Protected Jesus As Long As She Could
Little boy wearing rash guard: Mom, that little boy isn't wearing a shirt.
Mom: Mmm-huh.
Little boy: Why doesn't he have to wear a shirt?
Mom: Because his mom doesn't love him, that's why. He'll get skin cancer and die.
--Salisbury Beach, Massachusetts
You Can Call It "Baby Weight" Until the Baby Leaves for College
Flabby mom in bikini, having picture taken with three kids: Honey, come stand in front of mommy's tummy.
--Penfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
According to My Big Book Of Ways to Make Kids Cry
Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you're in the water, you're gonna die!
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Running for Cover
The Tragic Part Is, She's Trying to Say "Gaydar"
Woman to six-year-old son and friends: Wait, so do you pronounce it "Jäger" or "gay-ger"?
--Del Mar, California
How to Come Out to Your Mom: A Teenager's Guide
Teenage son: Mom, did dad ever kiss me? Like when I was little?
Mom: Your dad kissed you.
Teenage son: Yeah, but did he ever kiss me on the lips?
Mom: I'm not sure what you're asking.
--Cannon Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: Ann
When Californian Children Are Born to Otherwise Normal Canadian Parents
Teenage girl in expensive yoga pants to meek mother: Move to France? Why the hell would I move to France? That's the dumbest thing I've heard you say in, like, forever. Stop trying to live your, like, stupid dreams and stuff through me!
--Coffee Shop in the Beach, Toronto, Canadia
"Book Smart," I Should've Said
Woman to another, trying to get support to protect the seals: Yeah, my daughter's friend wants to be a marine biologist. She is so smart.
Daughter's friend, in confused voice: Hey, I got gum on my camera.
--Children's Beach, La Jolla, California
Critics Rave, "The Little Mersavior Is a Rollicking, Non-Canonical Laugh Riot"
Little girl to mom: The seaweed tickles! It's like Baby Jesus is underwater, tickling my feet himself!
--Vero Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Incredulous
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
--St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
...Snap a Photo, and Use It for This Year's Christmas Card.
Mom to four-year-old son and two-year-old daughter: When that bird shits on you, I'm gonna laugh.
--Madeira Beach, Florida
Overheard by: touched by an uncle
The Pool's on the Haitian Side Of the Border
Mom to screaming eight-year-old boy: I'm going to throw you in the pool if you don't behave.
Eight-year-old boy: Are you crazy? I'll get an ear infection!
--Resort Restaurant, Dominican Republic
Overheard by: Tanya from NY
Maybe Summer School Would Help
Kid: Mom, we get two months off for school this summer right?
Mom: No, you get like eight weeks.
Kid: Oh, okay.
--Ocean Beach, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
We Were Told This Was a Nude Beach
Pissed off mom to crying sons: You're goddamned right, we're leaving and we're never coming back!
--Rye Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Robin M. StPierre
But Mummy, I'm Too Old to Nurse in Public!
British mother to young child: Either put it in your mouth or I'm giving it to charity!
--Miami Beach, Florida
It Isn't the Bronx, Sweetie.
Kayaking girl #1: Mom, where do we go?
Kayaking mom: Oh, why don't we go to the other side of the island?
Kayaking girl #2: No, we can't! I heard they had guns and spears over there--I don't wanna get shot!
--Sugarbay, St. Thomas, South Africa
Overheard by: yams
Magic Elves Can't Spell for Shit
Mother to child: What?! Is this writing on your arm? Oh, no...don't say you don't know! Tell me: was it a little magic elf that did this to you?! Was it?!
--Sasco Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: halliefaith
We Have Enough Imaginary Llamas to Deal with As It Is
Hot teen girl #1: Sexy llama come to mama. (throws imaginary lasso)
Hot teen girl #2 (caught in the imaginary lasso): Unce unce unce unce...yes.
Random lady to son nearby: See honey, this is why we don't eat magical mushrooms.
--Rehoboth Beach, Deleware
Overheard by: kevin
I've Never Admired You More, Mom
Teenage girl: Rob Lowe is ridiculously hot. Hey, did you know he has a sex tape?
Girl's mother: Yes, I did know that because I starred in it with him. And he was good.
--Biloxi, Mississippi
New Yorkers Often Experience Culture Shock in New England
Four-year-old girl, dropping cracker on the floor: Oh, shit!
Mother: Um...no, honey. Not here.
--Steamship Authority Martha's Vineyard Ferry, Massachusetts
And So It Begins
Boy being changed on changing table (babbling): Bama amma bama.
Mother: Obama Obama Obama.
--Restroom, Royal Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Penelope
Just Thanking Him for the Barbecue, Honey
Mom, holding bag of ashes: (whispers)
Girl: Mom, stop talking to dad! It's creepy.
--Huntington Beach, California
At Least He Didn't Call Me "Woman" This Time
Mom, while burying her four-year-old son in the sand: Yo, did you hear what he just said? He said "don't pat too hard or my balls will explode!"
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: That's why I'm scared to have kids
Some Children Are Never Properly Leash Trained
Tired-looking mother: Alice! Heel!
--Hunstanton, England
Overheard by: Dan
Now Go Make Friends
Mother: Do you know how dogs introduce themselves to each other?
Eight-year-old daughter: No, how?
Mother: They sniff each other's butts.
--Guam
Overheard by: Nadine
Where Would Human Civilization Be Without That Phrase?
Mom to young child eating a Popsicle: Stop putting that in your mouth! It's done, there's nothing left.
Young woman nearby: That's what he said.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tara
Amazing Anything Can Live on the New Jersey Coast
Guido mom to small boy holding a horseshoe crab: Eww! What is that?
Random Guido: Is it a stingray?
Guido mom: Do stingrays even live in the ocean?
--Belmar, New Jersey
And, for the Last Time, That's Not a Scorpion Bite
30-something mom dragging toddler down path: What do you mean your legs hurt? You're four years old! My legs don't even hurt and I'm like three times your age!
--Bay Shore, Long Island, New York
It's a Wonderful Life
Cute Jewish on cell, to mother: Are you calling me just to fucking nag? Cuz if you are, I am hanging up. (pause) I don't know, I'm going to do what every Jew does on Christmas, go to the movies and eat Chinese food!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
No More Degrassi for You, Young Lady
Ten-year-old girl to mother, excitedly: I have the right to choose!
--Royal Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Penelope
We Don't Know, Either
Black woman to toddler running wild: Tyrone, get yo' black ass over here or I will spank you like a white man!
--Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: White girl
By Lying on Our Backs and Waving Our Legs in the Air
Toddler: Mom, we are the hermit crabs that are going to change the world.
--Monterey, California
But If That's One Of the PTA Requirements...
Overweight mother: I don't want to be a gladiator!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Tonight's Movie: The Endless Bummer
Mom (to son #1): That's not all you're carrying! Take more. (to son #2) Good job, genius, you got sand in the cooler! (to both sons) Say goodbye to the beach, you'll never see it again.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mikey
Tonight, on House...
Little girl, screaming to mother on an excruciatingly hot day: Mommy, my eyes are sweating!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
You Promised You'd Take Me to Harlem
Mother, holding one son in the ocean and calling another on shore: See? The water's fantastic. You have nothing to worry about.
Four-year-old son, crying: I don't want to die here!
--Palm Beach, Aruba
Abraham Lincoln Told Me, Last Night
Little boy: Mommy, do you know this?
Mom: What, honey?
Little boy: Do you know this?
Mom: What, honey? I know everything.
Little boy: You're crazy.
Mom: Yeah, I knew this.
--Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Just waiting for a lobster roll
Lest You Be Elected Den Mother Of an All-Gay Scout Troop
Mother: We're all set for the picnic!
Random gay dude: Oh, really? Yum! What'd you get us?
Mother: Uh, roast pork sandwiches.
Random gay dude: Ooooh, sounds good! (wanders off)
Mother (whispers): You have to be careful what you say around here.
--East Hampton, New York
Overheard by: pop pop
For the Same Reason the Back of Your Hand Looks Different from the Front
Little girl: Mommy, is this Lake Michigan?
Mom: Yes, honey.
Little girl: Then why doesn't it look like this in Chicago?
--Petoskey, Michigan
... And Because You Knocked Up Our Mom in the First Place
Mom (exasperatedly): Come on children, you guys going to give me heart failure!
Six-year-old: You going to give yourself heart failure, cause you wouldn't leave us alone.
--Bridgetown, Barbados
In My Day We Called It "Getting In Trouble"
Teen girl with hands on stomach: Why do skinny girls get the bloat?
Mom: Is that what you call it?
--Nauset Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Blanket Once Removed
And It's Making Me Feel All Funny, Like When I Climb a Rope in Gym Class
Son (looking at man in Speedo): Mom! Look at that man! He's wearing a bikini without a top!
--Long Island, New York
Which I Guess Would Technically Solve Our Problem...
Mom in bikini: She's had an on-and-off boyfriend since september, and it's been nothing but drama. I'm trying to get her to stop answering his calls. He's trouble. He overdosed in October and he hasn't passed a class in four years. One time he called her cell phone from a number that wasn't his, and she asked whose phone he was calling from, and he said, "your house phone." He sneaked into our house when no one was home!
Mom in one-piece: Maybe you should think about a restraining order.
Mom in bikini: Well...
(phone rings: it's the daughter)
Mom in bikini: No! I told you not to answer his calls! And do not call him back! If you call him back, his mother will go to the police! She called me today and told me they're thinking about taking out a restraining order against you!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Um, That's Driftwood
Mother to toddler in wetsuit: Look! There's a naked baby! Do you wanna be naked and play with the naked baby? Let's go meet the naked baby.
--Lake Beach, Maine
Superhero Steely Dan Had a Modest Jamaican Boyhood
Boy: Mom! I want a wooden penis!
Mom: You have one already.
Boy: Then I want a metal penis!
Dad: Actually, that might come in handy.
--Dolphin Cove, Jamaica
Overheard by: bea arthur
Translation: Don't Be a Pussy
Mother to crying three-year-old: Billy, you need to work on your emotional fragility. Take a deep cleansing breath. You know, you are a sensitive and caring boy, and that's a strength. But right now it's a weakness and you need to stop it.
--Delaware
How About "MC Hammer"?
Mom #1 (watching her boy): We originally chose the name Eric, but now I'm thinking we should just call him Rick.
Mom #2: But then he would be... Rick James?
Mom #1: Yes. I think it suits him better.
Little boy (running by): I'm Rick James, bitch!
Mom #1: Maybe we should just stay with Eric.
--Baker Beach, San Francisco
Perhaps a Career As a Schoolmarm, Then
20-something daughter: She's 23.
Middle-aged mom: Well, if she ain't married yet, she ain't never gonna be.
--Daytona, Florida
Overheard by: MAGICALLY engaged at 36
That's a Goldfish Cracker, Sweetie
Delighted five-year-old: Mommy! Mommy! A fish!
Mom: What is it?
Delighted five-year-old: A fish! In the water!
Mom: Oh, you see a fish? Is he swimmin'?
Delighted five-year-old: No! He's dead!
--Clove Lake Park, Staten Island
Being a Theater Kid Is a Disability
Girl under umbrella: She said her two life goals are to grow a third arm and trip a cripple.
Mom (to friend): She's a theater kid.
Friend: But still, I don't see any reason to hurt a disabled person.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mary
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus
Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.
--St Avalon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Himbo
That Was Unexpected
Mother, to little boy refusing to wear swimmies: Fine, I guess you can go drown. Say bye bye to mommy. [Little boy breaks into hysterics.]
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Leigh
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
--Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
How Jewish Mothers Coddle Their Sons into Gibbering, Bedwetting, Compulsive Masturbators
Mother, dressing son: Wow, your hair dried gorgeously! You're such a Jew.
--Cape Henlopen, Delaware
Overheard by: KDP
How the Johnson Family Bankrupted Frito-Lay
Mom: You cut your finger on a Cheetoh?
--Hotel pool, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
I'm Working My Way Up to an Entire Udder
Young mother #1: I am just so pissed that I have to wait until Wednesday to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I really want to go out drinking tonight.
Young mother #2: So? I never let that hold me back.
Young mother #1: Yeah, that's gotta be why little Eric* has a third nipple.
--Sachuest Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Rebecca
People Pee in Bathrooms at the Beach?
Big mama in bathroom stall with daughter: Hurry up and pee!
Young girl: Mommy, I can't pee with other people around!
Big mama: Honey, if and when you go to jail, you gonna hafta pee in front of other people.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Riley
And I'm Just Itching to Talk about It
Four-year-old boy scampering on shore: She's got crabs! She's got crabs! She's got crabs!
Mom wading in water: Stop saying that!
Four-year-old boy: But you do... They're all over down there!
--Sharky's Beach, Port Charlotte, Florida
Like You Hate the Mailman When Daddy's Away?
Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that's why.
--Children's Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
We Can Always Use Extra Syringes around the House
Little girl: Mommy! I caught a wave!
Mother: Did you catch any trash?
--Brighton Beach, New York
Hey, Your Son Asked
Soccer mom to friend: Masturbation... Ejaculation... All the stuff.
--Drift Inn Beach, Port Clyde, Maine
Overheard by: Sara
Would You Terribly Mind Bubble-Wrapping the Car?
Lady on cell: Hello? I need to get a spare tire put on... Yes, the BMW -- my son's car. Well, I'm not actually sure what tire it is. See, my son's the one with the flat. He's a few blocks from home, and he has his own AAA number, but he said he called and he got the automated menu, and he got confused. He's only 20, and-- [pause, then] --Yes, I guess I do coddle him...
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
Weren't You There?
Mom to 13-year-old son: What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born this stupid?
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
Pay No Attention to the MSG behind the Curtain
Mother: Honey, do you want some cheddar cheese Pringles?
Kid: Sure.
Mother: See, they have zero grams trans fat. That's really important now.
--Bradley Beach, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
So Stay in the Car or Stay in the Water
Mom to child: Now, don't get all sandy!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Emily
Then What'll We Use to Sand the Boat?
Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
Daughter: Going under the umbrella, because I don't want my butt to get parched.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kara
I'll Just Go Back to Calling Her Fat
Mother to toddler: Baby, don't cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn't tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You're going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.
--Panama Beach, Florida
He Finds You
Kid #1: Mama, have you seen the bad guy?
Mom: Not today.
Kid #1: Is he here?
Mom: I don't think so, no.
Kid #2: Where is he?
Mom: Well, if you don't look for him, you're not gonna find him!
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Jessica B.
I'm Not Taking You to the ER If It Bites You Again
Mom to son as he runs off to play: Don't touch the sand! Don't touch the sand!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jawdropped
People Who Know This Always Get Stuck with Those Who Deny It
Whiny little boy: Mo-ooom, it's hot!
Mom: Stop that! Whining makes you hot.
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laura and John
Well, We Don't Have Time for Both
Little boy: I'm hungry.
Mother: Okay, we will eat in a few minutes.
Little boy: I want to cut your arm off!
--Blue Water Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lydia
You're Kind of Creeping Me Out
Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go.
Little boy: You don't have to love me that much.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: local onlooker
Still Think the Media Is to Blame for Obesity and Violence?
Mom: Hey, Jason! I'll give you fiiive dollars if you can catch a seagull!
Kid: So?
Mom: That's like... eight Twinkies! [Kid begins chasing gulls.] Oh, look, he's trying to hit them with rocks!
--South Haven, Michigan
We'll Have to Try One of Those Sporting Goods Stores Like in Commando
Lady exiting 7-Eleven: Honey, they don't have any flamethrowers in there!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: matthew
Mom, It's Me.
Lady to strangers: Sorry to ask you this, but my sons hate me and won't touch me, so can you put some sunscreen on my back?
--Southern Shores, North Carolina
If You Cunt Pronounce It Correctly, Keep Your Mouth Shit
Three-year-old girl: I love the bitch!
Mother: Did you just say 'bitch'? You can't say that! It's beach.
Three-year-old girl: Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Mother, exasperated: I can hear you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jess
I Was Told This Was a Gated Community
Mom: I don't think we can stay at this hotel the whole time.
Daughter: Why? What's wrong? It's not that bad...
Mom: No, there's just so many Mexicans at the pool.
Daughter: We're in Mexico, mother!
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
With What Appears to Be Some Form of Tumor
Young mom pointing to giant plaster camel: Hey, look! A giraffe!
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: Feeling bad for the kid
Uncle Walter: Hey, I'm the National Average!
Mom to young son sliding down wooden handrail: Charlie! Did someone get a splinter in his butt?
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sarabeth and Jesse
And Your Personality Sure Isn't Going to Tip the Balance
Mom to three-year-old boy: Don't you run into the ocean. It's cold. If you start drowning, no one is going to want to come in and save you!
--Topsail Island, North Carolina
Overheard by: Eric
You're Old Enough to Know Heroin Goes in the Eyeball!
Mom to kid: Shooting it up my ass?! Not a good idea!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laura L. Davis
Child Abuse Is My Anti-Drug
Mom to 10-year-old son after he shakes sandy blanket in her face: You little fucker. I am going to fucking drown you in the ocean!
--Clearwater, Florida
Is She Full of Antioxidants?
Little boy pointing to black woman: Look, Mom! It's a chocolate lady!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Jane
I Clearly Haven't Properly Instilled in You the Virtues of Reverse Cowgirl
Girl #1: Did you hear we're getting the lockers on the bottom row at school next year?
Girl #2: Oh, really? I hope I get someone hot on top of me.
Mother, just tuning in to conversation: What?!
--Williamstown Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
I Already Asked
Mom: You're drunk!
Daughter: Relax, Mom, it's not like they're going to let me drive the boat.
--Cruise ship, Bahamas
10 Dollars Cancels Out a Lot of Strange
Mother: Danny, go ask those people for a lighter.
Son: Why, Mom?
Mother: So I can light my smoke, baby.
Son: I'm not your baby, and no! They are strange.
Mother: I'll give you ten bucks.
Son: Okay!
--Shark's Cove, Oahu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Hope
I'm Guessing The Sopranos
Little girl: I'm gonna... I'm gonna cut off your head with a knife!
Mother, shocked: Where did you hear that kind of language?!
Little girl: Ummm, I don't know...
Mother: You must have heard it somewhere!
Little girl: I made it up! ... Is pepperoni meat?
Mother: Yes.
--Oceanside, California
Overheard by: kafrin
Wait, Where Are the Kids?
Tourist lady #1: Do you think the melon is any good? Should I give it to the kids?
Tourist man: Why? What's wrong with it?
Tourist lady #1: It was on the counter earlier for an hour or so.
Tourist lady #2: Oh, no, I'd ask someone else.
Tourist lady #1, loudly, to others in group: Do you think the melon is any good? I'm not sure I should give it to the kids.
Group members: Why? I don't know if you should! Do the kids like melon? Was it warm when it was out?
Male stranger in line: Are you retahded?! Just give them the fuckin' melon!
--Crane Beach, Ipswich, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Buhaj
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
How that Stinky Guy You Work with Got His Start
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands!
Dirty son: No!
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands, Justin!
Dirty son: [Sticks his hands in the clogged sink.]
Angry mother: Use the fucking soap. You just gave the dog his medicine in his butt.
Dirty son: No way, I already stuck my hands in my mouth.
--In-N-Out Burger, Long Beach, California
And It's Not Polite to Refer to American Children As 'Shit'
Tween girls: Mami, Mami, we saw shit floating in the water!
Mother: God, the sea is so big, just play somewhere else.
--Ibiza, Spain
Overheard by: thorsten
I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement
Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home.
Young son: You don't deserve a child!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gaby Young
There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom
Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what's that?
Tired mother: It's a mushroom. Someday I'm going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it's going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!
--Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
When Couples Get Divorced, It Is Truly the Children Who Suffer
Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?
--Parua Bay, New Zealand
Overheard by: naughtygurl
Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands
Little boy to mom: Don't touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I'm going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Unless There's More to the Story?
Daughter to mother: You yell at me for saying 'munted,' 'fucked,' 'wasted,' and 'shafted,' because you say they all mean 'having sex.' So for the love of god, when you tell that story will you stop saying you were 'stiffed' by an old lady?!
--New Zealand
Time to Go Back in the Water, Sweetie
Little girl: Guess what Daddy told me, Mommy!
Mother: What's that?
Little girl: When you sweat, it's like your skin is peeing all over you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy
A Car That Runs on Water
Mother to teen daughter: I want the stuff they won't let you buy.
--Medicine aisle of supermarket, Bethany Beach, Delaware
It's Mostly a Pro Forma Request
Mom: Are you ready to go?
Little girl: No!
Mom: Okay, let's go!
--Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: wondering why she bothered to ask
She Needs to Go to a PFLAG Meeting
Mom hands little boy a hot dog.
Little boy: Oh, thank you, Lord!
Mother: I am not the Lord!
Little Boy: Well, thanks, Mom.
Mother: I hate you.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Sitting nearby, LOLing.
That's When Atlantic City Empties Its Septic Tanks
Little girl: Mom, the water is cold.
Mom: Well, honey, it's only August. When we come back in September, the water will be much much warmer.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
And Beginning to Regret the Decision to Have Children Late in Life
Child: Mommy, how old are you?
Mother: I am forty.
Child: [counting on fingers] Jeez, Mommy, you're running out of numbers.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert -- with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they're just tan. They're all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It's like I'm healing the world.
--Miami, Florida
Lazy Fat-Asses
Teen girl: Do sea lions swim?
Mom: No, they ride boats.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just wanted to take a look at SEA LIONS
Mob Enforcers Start Training Early
Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit' his mouth.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
A Bad Case of Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy
Daughter: Thanks for giving me an aneurysm, Mom.
Mother, under her breath: I wish I'd given you an aneurysm.
Daughter: What?
Mother: Nothing, dear.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
Yes, Honey, I Think She's the One Who Gave Them to Your Father
Little girl: Mommy! What is that?
Mother: Careful, honey, that's a crab.
Little girl: Is that the same thing you said Aunt Kathy had last year?
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Biel
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
Let Him Ride (the Waves) on Me?
Underage girl: Oh, my God. Look at that guy. He's so fucking hot.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oooh, nice. Maybe if you show him your boobs, he'll buy you a drink?
Underage girl: You think so?
Mom: No way. You're as flat as a surfboard. If you want that guy to buy you a drink, you'd have to do a lot more than show him your boobs.
--The Seafood Bar, The Breakers, Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: The JAP
Navy Secretary Winter wasn't 100 Percent Sure, Either
Little girl: The Navy's the one with the boats, right?
Mom: I think so. Let's ask that guy over there.
--Naval Academy, Annapolis, Maryland
While She Slept, the Bush Fairy Shaved It Into a Heart Shape
Daughter: You're sticking out, mom.
Mother: What's sticking out?
Daughter: Your pubic hair.
Mother: Is it gray?
Daughter: Um, no, not really.
Mother: I'm gonna take a nap.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: Hard not to laugh out loud
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
Either Way, That Benicio Del Toro Can Act!
Child: Does that man have an accent?
Mother: He might just be retarded.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Rex
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
He Needs a 4-Hour Briefing Before She Can Take Him Out of the House
Mom to little boy: Now, don't touch other people's eyeballs.
--St. Simons Island, Georgia
And I Think You Owe Me an Apology
Mom to little boy: You do not pee on somebody unless they ask you to!
--Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: mad-the-hatter
In Fairness, He Hasn't Fucked the Babysitter Yet
White trash mother to crying infant: Would you stop being such an asshole? Jesus, you're just a selfish bastard like your father.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: girl in bikini pretending to read
Anywhere But South Beach, Honey
Kid: Mom, where are we going?
Mom: Just walk straight!
Kid: Where's straight?!
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Gwast
She's Already Fast-Forwarded the Kid Through Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and God
Young Boy: Mommy Mommy, they have Nemo in that fish tank!
Mom: Honey, Nemo's dead.
--Antigua, the Caribbean
Overheard by: Ollie
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
See? There Goes Story-Time, Down Your Leg.
Mom to young son: You lost all your privileges when you peed in your pants.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Scott
Are You Coming On to Me?
Daughter, to mom: So how do you know when to just lay there and when to beat them off?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
She Has No Idea How Awkward Her First Sexual Experience Is Going to Be
Teen girl: I can't believe I'm drunk! I'm drunk! In Italy! I am 17 and drunk. Oh yeah, and I'm with my parents! The first time I'm drunk, in a foreign country, under 21, with you people, and I'm in Italy?
Teen girl's mother: It is better this way. At least you are with people who care.
--Nova Siri, Italy
Overheard by: only other american in the place
The Real Reason Formula Was Invented
20-Something daughter: Dad! Hurry up and take the picture; mom's pressing her boobs into my back!
Mom: I'm sorry! You suckled from these boobs, you know.
20-Something daughter: Well, clearly I quit for a reason.
Dad: Yeah. Because you were too tired of fighting me for them.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate
Chinese Kid: 'Phew!'
Awesome mom #1: Yeah, so they were going to adopt this baby from China, but when they saw her she was ugly and they decided not to get her.
Awesome mom #2: Oh, really? That's too bad.
--Ferry Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
That's My Hand, Honey.
Little girl, pointing to man in Speedo: Mom, what's that?
Mother: That's his swimsuit.
Little girl: No, what's in his swimsuit?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
I'm Not Sure I Wish to Pursue This Line of Inquiry Until Your Father Arrives
Little kid: Mommy, what are those squishy things that hang by big, round balls?
Mom: Are you talking about jellyfish and tentacles?
Little kid: Yeah, that's it: testicles.
--Huntington Beach, Surf City, California
Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time
Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What's on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That's what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn't be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I'd like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don't know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?
--Bayville, New Jersey
But Still Cheaper Than an Abortion
Mom: If you drown, I won't save you. Don't you dare get in that water!
Son runs into the ocean
Mom: Son of a bitch. He can't swim, and my suit can't get wet. Do I really have to choose, because this bikini was pretty damn expensive.
--Belle Harbor, Queens, New York
Either Way, She Will Grow Up to Be Much Sought After
Mom: What did that lady ask you?
Little girl, wearing "Cerveza With a Smile" shirt: She asked what my shirt said.
Mom: Do you know what it says?
Grandpa: Service with a smile.
--Cedar Point, Ohio
Overheard by: devin the artist
...and He's Living With Jose.
Mom: Stop staring at that woman's chest.
Tween boy: Dad said it's okay to look as long as I don't touch.
Mom: That's why we aren't married anymore.
--Jax Beach, Florida
They Have Such Awful Taste in Music
Woman, to teenaged daughter: Too bad he's a pedophile. I was going to ask him to DJ for your party.
--The Esplanade in Capitola, California
Overheard by: Katie O
You Should Only Hit Your Enemies, Your Children, and Iraq
Woman, smacking her son over the head: Don't hit your friends!
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
Don't Wish Your Life Away. Let Me Do It.
Little boy: Mommy, is it still morning?
Mom: No, honey, it's nighttime now.
Little boy: But you told me it was morning five minutes ago!
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: Arya
Honey, I Chummed the Kids
Crabby mom to sugared-up five-year-old: Fine! Tell your daddy I said you were shark bait. Just please sit down or, I swear to God, you will be!
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: airwav
You are No Son of Mine
Little boy: What's a 'shindig'?
Mom: It's like a party.
Little boy: Oh, okay.
Mom: It's like a big, southern party. In Texas. Yee-haw!
Little boy: Yee-haw?
--Lake Michigan, Holland, Michigan
Overheard by: BAB
The Voices in My Head aren't Real, but They Make More Sense than My Mommy
Woman to six-year-old son repeatedly throughout the day: Get away from me. Go away! I said leave! I don't want you here... Come back here where I can see you.
--Goddard State Park, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Claudia
On the Production Line at the Catch Phrase Factory
Mom: Hey! Tell them the new teenager attitude sound.
Uncle: Pfft.
Girl #1: Yeah, that's spelled P-F-F-T.
Girl #2: Doesn't it have, like, an 'H' in it or something? Like P-H-F-F-T?
Uncle: You don't even have to have the 'T' in it. You could definitely go without the 'T.'
--Inverhuron, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: sun-fried brain
His Class Voted Him Most Likely to Miss the Point
Mom whispering to little boy: Go in the water where nobody can see.
Little boy digs a hole, fills it with water, and pees.
--Vero Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Nick
That Being Said... You're Full of Shit
Mother to crying six-year-old: No, honey, she didn't mean it like that. 'Nonsense' is not a bad word.
--Compo Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Daddy Sometimes Doesn't Get Out of Bed for Days, Carnie
Little girl, crying: He's not coming! He said he was going to come, and now he's not coming!
Apathetic, topless, overly-tan mom: Go home. Eat something.
--Palavas-les-Flots, France (translated from French)
Overheard by: Christine
Portrait of the Stenographer as a Young Girl
Young teen girl: Hey, Mom, Dad told me to ask you, and I'm quoting him, to 'Please leave a couple of drinks for him before your fat ass hogs them all.'
Mom: Tell your father that he had better be nicer to me or else I'm going to leave his ass for a sexy Latin man named Esteban... again. And you can quote me on that!
--Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Jess the Pirate
Mom is Really Good at Fixing Things around the Gingerbread House
Toddler pointing to cotton candy: I want that ice cream!
Mom: That's not ice cream.
Toddler: What is it?
Mom: That's insulation. It's for your attic.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Aaron
Just Look at New Orleans
Mom: Don't hurt that butterfly!
Son: Why?
Mom: Because if you're mean to nature, nature will be mean to you.
Son: Oh.
--Markin Glen County Park, Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: julie
I Thought that was a Discarded Breast Implant
Little girl staring at a plastic bag washing up on the beach: Ewww! Don't let that touch me!
Mom: Don't worry, honey. It can't hurt you. It's just a Jersey jellyfish.
--Union Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Brian
Payback's a Bitch
Saggy-drawered kid: That woman carrying shit on her head.
Mother: Boy, you ain't in Brooklyn anymore. This place different. And keep your voice down.
Saggy-drawered kid: Hell, she don't speak English. And what the hell computer boy gonna do, report me to the internet?
--Tela Beach, Honduras
Overheard by: Computer boy, I assume
Trashy Daughter: Well, Then at Least Take Off Your 'Cum Dumpster' Shirt!
Overweight, trashy lady: It's not hanging out!
Trashy daughter: Mom, yes it is. You can't wear that kind of suit.
Trashy lady: We just drove two hours to get here, the weather's not that great, and I can wear a thong if I want to tan my ass whenever I want!
--Rio del Mar, Aptos, California
Overheard by: Melissa
No, 'Take It Off,' by The Donnas
Little girl: Mommy, where's the rest of your bathing suit?
Mother: It's called a 'thong,' honey.
Little girl: Like that song?
Mother: Yes, honey, just like the song.
Little girl hums 'Thong Song.'
--West Palm Beach, Florida
He'll Find Out about It Online Eventually
Drunk mother #1: I met him at a bar. He looked like George Clooney... But we'll see.
Drunk mother #2: Wait, aren't you dating someone?
Drunk mother #1: Not anymore. He just doesn't know it yet.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Eat it! Eat It, You Round-Eyed Son of a Bitch!
Mom to little boy: If you keep digging that damn hole, a Chinese man is going to pop out and make you eat rice.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Sheph
The Limits of My Language are the Limits of My World
Black kid: Damn, I lost my pants.
Mom: Word?
--Belmar, New Jersey
Oedipus: 2006
Mother: Will you please stop whining?
Small boy: Shut up, Mommy.
--Martell's Tiki Bar, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Trystan
It's the Ashes of Dead Mouseketeers
Redneck mother: Where'd all this sand come from?
Redneck daughter: Disney, probably.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Angela Cimato
