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An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus
Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.
--St Avalon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Himbo
That Was Unexpected
Mother, to little boy refusing to wear swimmies: Fine, I guess you can go drown. Say bye bye to mommy. [Little boy breaks into hysterics.]
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Leigh
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
--Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
How Jewish Mothers Coddle Their Sons into Gibbering, Bedwetting, Compulsive Masturbators
Mother, dressing son: Wow, your hair dried gorgeously! You're such a Jew.
--Cape Henlopen, Delaware
Overheard by: KDP
How the Johnson Family Bankrupted Frito-Lay
Mom: You cut your finger on a Cheetoh?
--Hotel pool, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
I'm Working My Way Up to an Entire Udder
Young mother #1: I am just so pissed that I have to wait until Wednesday to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I really want to go out drinking tonight.
Young mother #2: So? I never let that hold me back.
Young mother #1: Yeah, that's gotta be why little Eric* has a third nipple.
--Sachuest Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Rebecca
People Pee in Bathrooms at the Beach?
Big mama in bathroom stall with daughter: Hurry up and pee!
Young girl: Mommy, I can't pee with other people around!
Big mama: Honey, if and when you go to jail, you gonna hafta pee in front of other people.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Riley
And I'm Just Itching to Talk about It
Four-year-old boy scampering on shore: She's got crabs! She's got crabs! She's got crabs!
Mom wading in water: Stop saying that!
Four-year-old boy: But you do... They're all over down there!
--Sharky's Beach, Port Charlotte, Florida
Like You Hate the Mailman When Daddy's Away?
Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that's why.
--Children's Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
We Can Always Use Extra Syringes around the House
Little girl: Mommy! I caught a wave!
Mother: Did you catch any trash?
--Brighton Beach, New York
Hey, Your Son Asked
Soccer mom to friend: Masturbation... Ejaculation... All the stuff.
--Drift Inn Beach, Port Clyde, Maine
Overheard by: Sara
Would You Terribly Mind Bubble-Wrapping the Car?
Lady on cell: Hello? I need to get a spare tire put on... Yes, the BMW -- my son's car. Well, I'm not actually sure what tire it is. See, my son's the one with the flat. He's a few blocks from home, and he has his own AAA number, but he said he called and he got the automated menu, and he got confused. He's only 20, and-- [pause, then] --Yes, I guess I do coddle him...
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
Weren't You There?
Mom to 13-year-old son: What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born this stupid?
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
Pay No Attention to the MSG behind the Curtain
Mother: Honey, do you want some cheddar cheese Pringles?
Kid: Sure.
Mother: See, they have zero grams trans fat. That's really important now.
--Bradley Beach, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
So Stay in the Car or Stay in the Water
Mom to child: Now, don't get all sandy!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Emily
Then What'll We Use to Sand the Boat?
Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
Daughter: Going under the umbrella, because I don't want my butt to get parched.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kara
I'll Just Go Back to Calling Her Fat
Mother to toddler: Baby, don't cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn't tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You're going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.
--Panama Beach, Florida
He Finds You
Kid #1: Mama, have you seen the bad guy?
Mom: Not today.
Kid #1: Is he here?
Mom: I don't think so, no.
Kid #2: Where is he?
Mom: Well, if you don't look for him, you're not gonna find him!
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Jessica B.
I'm Not Taking You to the ER If It Bites You Again
Mom to son as he runs off to play: Don't touch the sand! Don't touch the sand!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jawdropped
People Who Know This Always Get Stuck with Those Who Deny It
Whiny little boy: Mo-ooom, it's hot!
Mom: Stop that! Whining makes you hot.
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laura and John
Well, We Don't Have Time for Both
Little boy: I'm hungry.
Mother: Okay, we will eat in a few minutes.
Little boy: I want to cut your arm off!
--Blue Water Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lydia
You're Kind of Creeping Me Out
Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go.
Little boy: You don't have to love me that much.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: local onlooker
Still Think the Media Is to Blame for Obesity and Violence?
Mom: Hey, Jason! I'll give you fiiive dollars if you can catch a seagull!
Kid: So?
Mom: That's like... eight Twinkies! [Kid begins chasing gulls.] Oh, look, he's trying to hit them with rocks!
--South Haven, Michigan
We'll Have to Try One of Those Sporting Goods Stores Like in Commando
Lady exiting 7-Eleven: Honey, they don't have any flamethrowers in there!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: matthew
Mom, It's Me.
Lady to strangers: Sorry to ask you this, but my sons hate me and won't touch me, so can you put some sunscreen on my back?
--Southern Shores, North Carolina
If You Cunt Pronounce It Correctly, Keep Your Mouth Shit
Three-year-old girl: I love the bitch!
Mother: Did you just say 'bitch'? You can't say that! It's beach.
Three-year-old girl: Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Mother, exasperated: I can hear you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jess
I Was Told This Was a Gated Community
Mom: I don't think we can stay at this hotel the whole time.
Daughter: Why? What's wrong? It's not that bad...
Mom: No, there's just so many Mexicans at the pool.
Daughter: We're in Mexico, mother!
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
With What Appears to Be Some Form of Tumor
Young mom pointing to giant plaster camel: Hey, look! A giraffe!
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: Feeling bad for the kid
Uncle Walter: Hey, I'm the National Average!
Mom to young son sliding down wooden handrail: Charlie! Did someone get a splinter in his butt?
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sarabeth and Jesse
And Your Personality Sure Isn't Going to Tip the Balance
Mom to three-year-old boy: Don't you run into the ocean. It's cold. If you start drowning, no one is going to want to come in and save you!
--Topsail Island, North Carolina
Overheard by: Eric
You're Old Enough to Know Heroin Goes in the Eyeball!
Mom to kid: Shooting it up my ass?! Not a good idea!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laura L. Davis
Child Abuse Is My Anti-Drug
Mom to 10-year-old son after he shakes sandy blanket in her face: You little fucker. I am going to fucking drown you in the ocean!
--Clearwater, Florida
Is She Full of Antioxidants?
Little boy pointing to black woman: Look, Mom! It's a chocolate lady!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Jane
I Clearly Haven't Properly Instilled in You the Virtues of Reverse Cowgirl
Girl #1: Did you hear we're getting the lockers on the bottom row at school next year?
Girl #2: Oh, really? I hope I get someone hot on top of me.
Mother, just tuning in to conversation: What?!
--Williamstown Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
I Already Asked
Mom: You're drunk!
Daughter: Relax, Mom, it's not like they're going to let me drive the boat.
--Cruise ship, Bahamas
10 Dollars Cancels Out a Lot of Strange
Mother: Danny, go ask those people for a lighter.
Son: Why, Mom?
Mother: So I can light my smoke, baby.
Son: I'm not your baby, and no! They are strange.
Mother: I'll give you ten bucks.
Son: Okay!
--Shark's Cove, Oahu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Hope
I'm Guessing The Sopranos
Little girl: I'm gonna... I'm gonna cut off your head with a knife!
Mother, shocked: Where did you hear that kind of language?!
Little girl: Ummm, I don't know...
Mother: You must have heard it somewhere!
Little girl: I made it up! ... Is pepperoni meat?
Mother: Yes.
--Oceanside, California
Overheard by: kafrin
Wait, Where Are the Kids?
Tourist lady #1: Do you think the melon is any good? Should I give it to the kids?
Tourist man: Why? What's wrong with it?
Tourist lady #1: It was on the counter earlier for an hour or so.
Tourist lady #2: Oh, no, I'd ask someone else.
Tourist lady #1, loudly, to others in group: Do you think the melon is any good? I'm not sure I should give it to the kids.
Group members: Why? I don't know if you should! Do the kids like melon? Was it warm when it was out?
Male stranger in line: Are you retahded?! Just give them the fuckin' melon!
--Crane Beach, Ipswich, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Buhaj
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
How that Stinky Guy You Work with Got His Start
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands!
Dirty son: No!
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands, Justin!
Dirty son: [Sticks his hands in the clogged sink.]
Angry mother: Use the fucking soap. You just gave the dog his medicine in his butt.
Dirty son: No way, I already stuck my hands in my mouth.
--In-N-Out Burger, Long Beach, California
And It's Not Polite to Refer to American Children As 'Shit'
Tween girls: Mami, Mami, we saw shit floating in the water!
Mother: God, the sea is so big, just play somewhere else.
--Ibiza, Spain
Overheard by: thorsten
I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement
Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home.
Young son: You don't deserve a child!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gaby Young
There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom
Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what's that?
Tired mother: It's a mushroom. Someday I'm going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it's going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!
--Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
When Couples Get Divorced, It Is Truly the Children Who Suffer
Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?
--Parua Bay, New Zealand
Overheard by: naughtygurl
Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands
Little boy to mom: Don't touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I'm going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Unless There's More to the Story?
Daughter to mother: You yell at me for saying 'munted,' 'fucked,' 'wasted,' and 'shafted,' because you say they all mean 'having sex.' So for the love of god, when you tell that story will you stop saying you were 'stiffed' by an old lady?!
--New Zealand
Time to Go Back in the Water, Sweetie
Little girl: Guess what Daddy told me, Mommy!
Mother: What's that?
Little girl: When you sweat, it's like your skin is peeing all over you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy