Honey, They Know We Have Sex!

B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That’s why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I’m glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!

–Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas

Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh… What?
Girl: Oh. Uh… what?

–Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: tner

Teenybopper #1: Ew, I hate wide open spaces.
Teenybopper #2: Isn’t there a word for that?
Teenybopper #1: Yeah, I think it’s some kind of phobia or something.

–Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: MarilynMonBRO

Dude: I don’t have an STD… But I want one!

–Panama City Beach, Florida

Overheard by: katie

Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm…
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It’s right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?

–San Francisco, California

Woman #1: Now you see that dude right there? That one in the green swim trunks.
Woman #2: Okaaaaay, yeah, I see him. The one with the red hair that's skimboarding?
Woman #1: Yeah, him. Now, I would so hook up with him. Look at those abs. Don't you just wanna run your hands all over him?
Girl slathered in tanning oil, staring at them: That's my boyfriend.
Woman #2: Oh. How long have you guys been going out?
Girl: Four months. What's it to you?
Woman #1: Just weighing our chances.
Girl: Chances of what?
Woman #2: Sleeping with him.
(girl makes disgusted noise and walks away).
Woman #2: Don' t worry, Shar. She's hideous. We'll follow them when they leave and the next time they go to a club or something, we'll hunt him down and get what we want.
Woman #1: We always do. Wait…which one of us gets to sleep with him? (they glance at each other, saying nothing) I've got a bigger rack.

–Pismo Beach, California

Overheard by: Matilda

Mom to young son: You lost all your privileges when you peed in your pants.

–Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Scott

Teen: You guys went to bed at 11:30, what's wrong with you?

–Beach Lake, Pennsylvania

Guy holding up little wooden container: We could get this for Bill.
Girl: Oh! For his pot!
Guy, looking over girl’s shoulder at elderly woman behind her: … Or stuff.

–Labadee, Haiti

Papi #1: Oh, he’s so nice! You know, he’s 36, but he doesn’t look any older than 34!
Papi #2: That’s hot.

Translated from the Spanish

–Miami Beach, Florida