Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Best Quotes from the past two weeks
Like a quote? Get it on a shirt!
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex
Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!
--Discovery Bay, California
This Is Why You Can't Bring Snips, Snails or Puppy Dog Tails on Planes Anymore
Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lisita
Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
And Stay Out of Iowa
Black guy playing drums, smiling at toddler nearby: Hi, sweetie. What you thinkin'? [Passing white lady tourist takes picture, and black guy frowns.] I respect you, too! Do I take a picture of you at the insurance office in Iowa?!
White lady tourist: Well, I--
Black guy: --Step off, bitch! [Turns back to little girl] Don't grow up to be like her, baby girl.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: This place sure has changed since the 80s
Trevor Begins to Have Trouble Sleeping
Guy: There is nothing worse than having sand in your crotch.
Girl: What about a machete in your crotch?
--Sydney, Australia
Translation: They Have the Best Coke
Dude #1: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
Dude #2: It's over. I think it's a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there's a good reason they're strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It's like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
Dude #1: I still want to date one.
Dude #2: ... Yeah, they're fun.
--LaHaina's, Mission Beach, California
Overheard by: sean
That Makes Sense; I Never Jerk Off on Bad Hair Days
Man: Get rid of your mustache, and then worry about the Brazilian.
Woman: Get some hair on your head, and then go fuck yourself.
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mike
No, Dude! You Tell Her You Have a Permanent Banana She Can Have for Free!
Banana vendor: Bananas... Bananas... Two for a dollar! Bananas...
Topless girl in string bikini bottom: But I just need one...
Banana vendor: Why don't you eat the other one?
--South Korea
Two Words: Ironclad Prenup
Ana #1: Oh my god, look at that guy. He's huge!
Ana #2: Like, really, someone needs to introduce him to Weight Watchers or something!
Girl passerby: Hey, snugglebutt! [Gives large guy hug and kiss.]
Ana #1: What the fuck?
Ana #2: Girlfriend? That fat whale?
Girl passerby: Husband. And you two might have men in your lives if you actually had boobs rather than a caved-in skeleton chest. Come on, schnookums, let's go get some ice cream.
--Westerly, Rhode Island
Overheard by: blanket not far away, lauging my ass off
Or Worse, in the Crushing Boredom of Marriage
Guy #1: Man, just seeing all these couples together just makes it worse, you know?
Guy #2: Yeah, I hear you. I'm sorry...
Guy #1, shouting at passing couples: It's all gonna end in tears!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Higgins
Now in My Dotage, I Find Myself Embittered and Alone
12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!
--Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia
Would You Terribly Mind Bubble-Wrapping the Car?
Lady on cell: Hello? I need to get a spare tire put on... Yes, the BMW -- my son's car. Well, I'm not actually sure what tire it is. See, my son's the one with the flat. He's a few blocks from home, and he has his own AAA number, but he said he called and he got the automated menu, and he got confused. He's only 20, and-- [pause, then] --Yes, I guess I do coddle him...
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
See the Best of the Previous Week
