Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Best Quotes from 5-6 Weeks Ago
Like a quote? Get it on a shirt!
All We Asked Was, "Which Way Is North?"
Big-boobed lady to a man's wife: Yes, they're real. Would you like to feel for yourself? You're staring at them more than your husband is.
--New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Overheard by: trying not to make like I was listening
Also the Idea behind Lifesavers Candy
Girl #1, whispering: Oh my god, I'm choking on this macaroni.
Girl 2: Then how are you talking?
Girl 1: The macaroni is stuck in my throat straight up, and I'm breathing through the hole in the noodle.
Girl 2: Ohhh, that makes sense.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
Though I Often Doubt If They Are Worth It
Native man: This is where Hawaiians come to celebrate a child's first birthday with a luau. All the family comes to have a three-day party by the ocean.
Tourist: How did that get started?
Native man: To protect the babies from the missionaries who loved to eat plump Hawaiian babies.
Tourist, shocked: That wasn't in my tour book.
Native man: It's something we keep quiet to protect the white missionaries.
--Kohala, Hawaii
Overheard by: BLondie
All of Western Medicine Is at Your Disposal
30-ish chick #1: Well, maybe your body is telling you that it's time to have a baby.
30-ish chick #2: Well, maybe I'll just tell my body to shut the fuck up.
--Jones Beach, New York
Every Four-Year-Old Knows a Teenager Like This
Four-year-old camper: Do you got a car?
14-year-old counselor: Uh, I can't drive.
Four-year-old camper: So does your mom bring you here?!
14-year-old counselor: Yeah. I mean, I live in El Cerrito.
Four-year-old camper: But does that mean you live with your mom or something? Aren't you in college?!
14-year-old counselor: Well, the truth is my license was revoked after I ran over those aliens. The FBI was angry because they needed to talk to them about the plans for the United States embassy on Mars, but it has to be kept hush-hush since the North Koreans may be on to them.
Four-year-old camper: Ohhh...
--California
But They're Priced Up for the Tourist Trade
Tourist lady looking at photo of sea otter: Oh, you have salt water beavers here?!
Local guy: Yes, we do.
Tourist lady: Do they have a name?
Local guy: Yes, we call them 'snatches.'
Tourist lady: Did you hear that, honey? They have snatches here!
--Schooner's Wharf, Cayucos, California
Overheard by: Local girl
I Know What Kind of Eggs I Want for Breakfast
Drunk girl pointing at pelican: Holy shit -- a fuckin' Pterodactyl!
--Cancun, Mexico
If No Elevator Is Available, I'd Like to Be Carried on a Litter
Puerto Rican princess: Hey! Hey, you - Mr. Captain or whatever.
Steward: Yes, ma'am?
Puerto Rican princess: Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?
Steward: Excuse me?
Puerto Rican princess: Where is the elevator that goes to the front of the ship?
Random passenger: Someone throw her overboard now and put her out of my misery.
--Caribbean Cruise, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: also waiting for elevator
Or Maybe Curing Parkinson's
Man at parents' 25th wedding anniversary party: Without my parents, I don't know where I'd be today.
Random guest: In a Kleenex!
--Party boat, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Big Larry
Just Say Galileo Was a Test-Tube Baby
Boy: Dad, who's more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn't his father?
--Boracay, Philippines
Overheard by: jkcalma
Also a Spare Key
Teen boy to friend: Don't trust women -- they have vaginas. It's where they keep all their secrets and lies!
--Coney Island, New York
I Clearly Haven't Properly Instilled in You the Virtues of Reverse Cowgirl
Girl #1: Did you hear we're getting the lockers on the bottom row at school next year?
Girl #2: Oh, really? I hope I get someone hot on top of me.
Mother, just tuning in to conversation: What?!
--Williamstown Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
See the Best of the Previous Week
