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Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto
Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
You Put that Soul Back Where You Got It, Young Man!
Little boy #1: You can't do it.
Little boy #2: Yes, I can.
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul.
Little boy #2: Don't underestimate my powers.
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
And I Think You Owe Me an Apology
Mom to little boy: You do not pee on somebody unless they ask you to!
--Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: mad-the-hatter
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
Your Grandfather and I Turned Out Okay
Grandmother: So you're not in a fight anymore?
Little boy, hugging little girl: We're gettting married!
Grandmother: But you're cousins.
Little boy: No, I mean when we're older.
Grandmother: But you'll still be...Never mind.
--Ortley Beach, New Jersey
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
Will I Be Able To Remember You Afterwards?
Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I'm sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it's good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I'm sure it can't.
Guy: Well then, how 'bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?
--Nahant Beach, Massachusetts
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
Oh, Honey, Don't Cry. They Only Eat the Dead Ones.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
--Riis Park, New York
They Go to Nude Country Clubs
Naked guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked chick: Why?
Naked guy: No Republicans.
--Field 5, Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Stila
How Moses Parted the Red Sea
Girl, loudly: I need to pee, but I'm still too close to other people.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: moving away quickly
You Should've Seen Her... Her Tits were Bzzz!
Girl #1: Don't go skinny dipping here.
Girl #2: Why not? That blind person is the only guy around.
Blind guy: I'm blind, not deaf. Now I can use the sound of your voice to project an image of you naked in my head. [He pauses for a moment.] It's not pretty.
--Westhampton Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: amanda fox
I Fought the Law...and the Fight Was Postponed
Burly guy: One good thing about this trip: at least it ain't Jersey.
Girlfriend: Jersey's not that bad!
Burly guy: Easy for you to say, there's not a warrant out for you there.
--Revere Beach, Revere, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Staying far away from this guy...
When Shown an Issue of Maxim, He Discovered He Was Mistaken
Queer looking at screaming queer in water: Maybe I'm not gay.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: laughing entirely too much
They're Not Pregnant -- It's Just the Parasites
Guy: I wouldn't go in the water if I was you.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I think there's something in there that makes you pregnant.
Girl: Why do you say that?
Guy points to large group of pregnant women.
Girl: Oh...
--Coralville Reservoir, Coralville, Iowa
I Thought it was Pretty Unequivocal When I Achieved Penetration
Girl: I had this weird dream about anal sex last night. I think it was from when you were joking around when I was bent over the sink before.
Boy: I wasn't joking around.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Holy Crap, I Thought I Was in the US!
Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya'll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That's the Gulf of Mexico.
--Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas
They Seem So Happy...Oh, Wait...
Teen girl #1: Oh, I'm so happy for Candice!* She finally has a normal boyfriend!
Teen girl #2: Oh, that's nice...Wait, is it that 29-year-old E dealer you guys met at that rave in Chilliwack?
Teen girl #1: Yes!
Long pause.
Teen girl #1: Well, it's normal for her, I guess.
--English Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia
It's Never Too Early for Internet Porn
Little boy: Hey! What's your name?
Little girl walking along shore doesn't look at him.
Little boy: Hey! What's your name?!
Little girl looks at boy but continues walking.
Little boy: What's your name?! What's your naaaaame?!
Mother of girl: It's Jade.
Mother whispers to girl and points in boy's direction, but girl continues walking in other direction.
Surfer dude: Yeah, kid, you can only expect more of that as you get older.
--Pomano Beach, Florida
He Should Tell the Girls There's No Such Thing as College
Family man #1: So, all three of your kids will be in college at the same time? That will be expensive.
Family man #2: Yeah, so I hope that they are all talented so they can get scholarships or they are all so dumb that they can't get into college.
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
Dear Diary: Still Alone. Can't Figure Out Why.
Girl to guy with oddly-shaped swimsuit: What kind of a tan line do you have?
Guy: Get the hell away from me! I don't know you!
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
The Smiths' Early Forays Into Swinging Were Clumsy and Ineffectual
World's best wife: Honey, twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: Huh? No, it's not. It's two-thirty.
World's best wife: I mean twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: I don't get you.
World's best wife: Look straight ahead.
Clueless husband: Why?
World's best wife: Look at the hot chick right in front of you! Look! Look!
Clueless husband: Oh!...Niiice.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
His Class Voted Him Most Likely to Miss the Point
Mom whispering to little boy: Go in the water where nobody can see.
Little boy digs a hole, fills it with water, and pees.
--Vero Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Nick
You Mean 'Danger' in Your Vagina... And How Did You Know I Called It That?
Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight... that sounds good... I won't do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?
--Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York
Of Course, I Can Go Swimming Only Under Very Special Circumstances, So It's a Tradeoff
Kid: Yo, that chair's sweet! How come you get to sit in that big chair? I wanna get one of them.
Lifeguard: Sorry. I just got here really early this morning before all these good chairs were taken.
--Riis Park, Rockaway, New York
So That's Why Garfield Is Always So Hungry
Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego
First They Blow You Up, Then They Patch You Up
Teen: What's Hezbollah?
Dad: Well, it's hard to explain. They're a terrorist paramilitary organization, but they're also a humanitarian social services organization. They're sort of like the Super Wal-Mart of the Middle East.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
He Can Only be Killed with a Graphics Card Through the Heart
Wet teen boy #1, rubbing eyes: My eyes hurt.
Wet teen boy #2: From the salt?
Wet teen boy #1: Nah. I've been outside for two days. They're used to video game light only.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: long time mom
It's Not the Content But the Style That Suggests This Kid Has a Future in Musical Theater
Small boy, carrying bag: Fudge! The wonderful joy of fudge!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Social Darwinism: Coming Soon to a Street Near You
Girl #1: Why the hell isn't he going? We have to get someplace too!
Girl #2: It's probably a parent.
Girl #1: Yeah, those parents are always looking out for kids' safety. I am so not going to be one of those parents. And I will never have one of those Please Drive Slowly bullshit signs in my yard.
Girl #2: Yeah, if you don't want me to hit your kid, keep him out of the goddamned street.
--Booth Lake, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Sarah
I'm So Fat and I Haven't Had My Period for Eight Months! I Must Have a Tumor.
Girl: My nipples are so sore! I think they're sunburned.
Nipple-Savvy friend: Is that even possible?
Girl: What else would explain the pain? [Shows nipple]
Nipple-Savvy friend: Maybe your boyfriend shouldn't bite them so hard, yeah?
Girl: He didn't bite them!
Nipple-Savvy friend: I can see the bite marks.
Girl: Oh.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: A beach bookreader
Little Guilty Knowledge There, Bro?
Tween in one-piece: Amber's parents let her wear a bikini.
Dad: But her parents love her.
Teen brother: No, they don't. She's just a 10-year-old slut.
--Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Jenny
I'm More Interested in His Daughters
Homeless man, frolicking in large waves: Do it again, Poseidon!!
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Daryl
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
You Don't Need Sunblock in There -- It's Dark
Girl, wearing lifeguard swimsuit and applying sunblock: Do my hole... NO! My back hole!
--Sacandaga Lake, New York
Overheard by: sherpa
As Long As We Keep It Underwater, We Should Be Fine
Rich stoner: Are you sure the bonfire won't light the sand on fire?
--The Hamptons, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: og pimp
And You Took a Dump in Their Ceremonial Urn
American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn't that bad. But you made the Japanese "fuck you" gesture with your hands.
--Beach near Tokyo
Don't Forget to Ask Dad If He Wants a Turn Riding It
Little girl #1: Britney*, what are you doing?
Little girl #2: Building sand boobies.
Little girl #1: You know, you can turn the boobies into testicles and we can make a giant sand penis.
Little girl #2: Okay, cool.
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop
Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: i like rice krispies
Want Some Pot?
Camp counselor: Hurry up, or you'll be left behind!
Kid: Then I'd get to stay here. Awesome!
Camp counselor: Frankly, it's my last day, so I really don't care.
--Third Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Bored Beyond the Beach
Pango-Pango, Maryland... Right?
Pale tourist: Hey, do you have the time?
Bronzed local child: Sure, mister! It's 12:45.
Pale tourist: Is that Eastern Standard Time?
Bronzed local child, sarcastically: No. It's local time in Pango-Pango.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
