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Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto
Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California
You Put that Soul Back Where You Got It, Young Man!
Little boy #1: You can't do it.
Little boy #2: Yes, I can.
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul.
Little boy #2: Don't underestimate my powers.
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
Your Grandfather and I Turned Out Okay
Grandmother: So you're not in a fight anymore?
Little boy, hugging little girl: We're gettting married!
Grandmother: But you're cousins.
Little boy: No, I mean when we're older.
Grandmother: But you'll still be...Never mind.
--Ortley Beach, New Jersey
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
And I Think You Owe Me an Apology
Mom to little boy: You do not pee on somebody unless they ask you to!
--Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: mad-the-hatter
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
When Shown an Issue of Maxim, He Discovered He Was Mistaken
Queer looking at screaming queer in water: Maybe I'm not gay.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: laughing entirely too much
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
He'll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It's my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
Will I Be Able To Remember You Afterwards?
Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I'm sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it's good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I'm sure it can't.
Guy: Well then, how 'bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?
--Nahant Beach, Massachusetts
I'm So Fat and I Haven't Had My Period for Eight Months! I Must Have a Tumor.
Girl: My nipples are so sore! I think they're sunburned.
Nipple-Savvy friend: Is that even possible?
Girl: What else would explain the pain? [Shows nipple]
Nipple-Savvy friend: Maybe your boyfriend shouldn't bite them so hard, yeah?
Girl: He didn't bite them!
Nipple-Savvy friend: I can see the bite marks.
Girl: Oh.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: A beach bookreader
Don't Forget to Ask Dad If He Wants a Turn Riding It
Little girl #1: Britney*, what are you doing?
Little girl #2: Building sand boobies.
Little girl #1: You know, you can turn the boobies into testicles and we can make a giant sand penis.
Little girl #2: Okay, cool.
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
Want Some Pot?
Camp counselor: Hurry up, or you'll be left behind!
Kid: Then I'd get to stay here. Awesome!
Camp counselor: Frankly, it's my last day, so I really don't care.
--Third Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Bored Beyond the Beach
So That's Why Garfield Is Always So Hungry
Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego
And You Took a Dump in Their Ceremonial Urn
American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn't that bad. But you made the Japanese "fuck you" gesture with your hands.
--Beach near Tokyo
Hanging Ten (Inches)
Girl: They look so much bigger when you're on your knees!... Um, I meant the waves.
--Loon Point, Summerland, California
Overheard by: likes big waves
It Has Its Hands Full Warming the Globe
Beach patrol: Ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to put on your top. This is not a "clothing optional" beach.
Man sitting with topless woman: Leave her alone. She is trying to get a full body tan.
Beach patrol: Sir, I think you are asking quite a bit from the sun.
--Fort Macon, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
The Smiths' Early Forays Into Swinging Were Clumsy and Ineffectual
World's best wife: Honey, twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: Huh? No, it's not. It's two-thirty.
World's best wife: I mean twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: I don't get you.
World's best wife: Look straight ahead.
Clueless husband: Why?
World's best wife: Look at the hot chick right in front of you! Look! Look!
Clueless husband: Oh!...Niiice.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
What If I Asked to Lick Your Ass?
Buff guy, after ordering an extra "floater" shot on top of his strawberry daiquiri: Is ordering that gay?
Friend: Not any gayer than drinking a daiquiri.
--Newport Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: ThoseGuys
You Have Kids, You Mellow Out
Guy: And something else I've thought about: what happened to God in between the Old and New Testaments? He went from vengeful to merciful. It just doesn't make sense.
Girl: He found God.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
What'd You Say, Honey? I Was Looking at These Guys in Speedos Over Here.
Tourist wife: Look at their butts. These bikinis are too small...Honey? Did you hear me?
Tourist husband: Huh?
Tourist wife: My point exactly.
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
I Did. You Look Fabulous.
Anorexic JAP #1: You look really good in that new swimsuit.
Anorexic JAP #2: I wish I could say the same to you, but you look a little pugdy around the hips.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why don't you just do what I did? Lie.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: JAP
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!
American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.
--Edinburgh, Scotland
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
And I'm Totally Upset That Our Video Debuts on SmutLady.Com Tonight
Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you're an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!
--Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia
Actually, There Is a Penis at Home - It's That Thing I Told You Never to Talk to Mommy About
Small girl: I want to see a penis.
Father: What?
Small girl: Mommy said we go to the beach to see lots of penises because there are none at home.
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Total Observer
That's My Hand, Honey.
Little girl, pointing to man in Speedo: Mom, what's that?
Mother: That's his swimsuit.
Little girl: No, what's in his swimsuit?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time
Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What's on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That's what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn't be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I'd like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don't know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?
--Bayville, New Jersey
Where Is the Khmer Rouge When You Need Them?
Scrabble girl #1: Rasheeon?
Scrabble girl #2: It's "ration."
Scrabble girl #1: I don't think that's a word.
Scrabble girl #2: Come on! You know, like in Cambodia, you get your daily food rations.
Scrabble girl #1: You can't use Cambodian words.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Andrew
I'll Ask God If We Can Borrow His Wet-Dry Vac
Tourist, walking on boardwalk at high tide: They really have to do something about this water problem.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
And Beginning to Regret the Decision to Have Children Late in Life
Child: Mommy, how old are you?
Mother: I am forty.
Child: [counting on fingers] Jeez, Mommy, you're running out of numbers.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
The Real Reason Formula Was Invented
20-Something daughter: Dad! Hurry up and take the picture; mom's pressing her boobs into my back!
Mom: I'm sorry! You suckled from these boobs, you know.
20-Something daughter: Well, clearly I quit for a reason.
Dad: Yeah. Because you were too tired of fighting me for them.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate
At Last, Texas Has Found Its Purpose in the US
Tourist: Hey! You guys musta cleaned up real good after all the hurricanes last year. Everything looks brand new again.
Beach attendant: Excuse me?
Tourist: Yeah, you guys did a better job than all those FEMA guys in New Orleans.
Beach attendant: We didn't get any hurricanes on the West Coast.
Tourist: You must have better levees here then.
Beach attendant: Yeah, we have Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and the rest of California.
--Laguna Beach, California
Right Where You Belong: My Heart
Drunk guy, plopping down on lounge chair: Oh yeah!
Burly man passed out next to him starts to wake up.
Drunk guy: You are a sex machine!
Burly man: What? Where am I??
--Pool bar, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Girl on nearby lounge chair